Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | November 11, 2011

People I May Heinously Murder: Lazy Dog Owners

If you own a dog and you live in the city, you’ve got one major responsibility.

That responsibility is to pick up your dog’s shit.

If you don’t pick up your dog’s fecal matter, there’s a pretty good chance that some poor sucker is going to be walking along, blissfully listening to Taylor Swift and enjoying his day off from work and he’ll step in one of your dog’s abandoned colon rockets.

This is not okay.

This is not even remotely okay.

Have you ever stepped in an abandoned pile of poo?! Well that shizzle does not come out of shoes without an intense amount of scrubbing and picking in between cracks with a toothpick or something and then you’ve got to douse the shoe with soap and whatnot just to make the stench go away once the actual doggie deposit has long since been cleaned up.

After that you’ve gotta wash your own hands about three dozen times before you ever really feel clean again…and even then, it’s still iffy.

Dog shit is just the worst. The worst, I tell you.

As such, let me make this very clear so that even those of you dumb enough to keep a 100+ pound dog caged up in your tiny-ass fourth floor, 10’x10’ apartment can understand it:

If your dog drops a deuce and you leave it behind, I’m going to f’n murder you.

That’s right I will hunt you down and murder you to death until you die from it. I could go all-kinds of bat-shit crazy and take out your dog as some kind of psychological warfare first, but that hardly seems fair.

I mean your dog is just out to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, man…he’s got no idea what’s up. He doesn’t know the social conventions he’s breaking. He’s just leaving a stinkpickle and moving on with his day.

The clean-up? That’s on you, the dog owner.

So get with it, because the next time I’ve got to hop around on one foot while trying to dig poop out of my shoe with sticks and leaves, I’m gonna straight-up murder you.

You’ve been warned.



  1. Dogs are Stupid


    • …agreed.

      Cats rule!


      • Umm…I seem to recall your giddiness about a certain white piss machine who used to frequent the Muddy. Just sayin’.


      • Touche. Although I never stepped in the White Piss Machine’s fecal matter, did I?!


        Also, WPM…best. nickname. ever.


  2. […] In fact, I’ve previously blogged about an encounter with one of this dog’s fecal follies. […]


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