Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | November 10, 2011

Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties

I hate my work computer. I really, really do.

I hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand red hot suns.

I hate it almost as much as I hate peanut butter, Carrot Top and reality TV.

Yeah, it’s that freakin’ bad…

I’d say that on any given day, I contemplate the merits of reaching into my closet at work, pulling out a softball bat and going all-kinds of “Office Space” on the piece of crap at least half-a-dozen times if not more.

In fact, if you follow me on Twitter there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve seen me ranting about the abysmal state of my computer on a number of occasions.

This is just a small sampling of my computer-related rage. There are numerous times where I can’t Twitterize to the world about how absolutely furious I am with my computer because I’m—you know—forced to restart it or it’s completely locked up or because I’m punching the tower in the face with both hands and that complicates typing.

What makes matters worse is that once upon a time, I had a pretty good work computer. It had about thirty-thousand bajillionty rams or jiggawatts or processorizers or whatever and never froze, never stalled, never required me to restart it just to try and do basic daily functions.

For whatever reason they decided to hook all of us circulation minions up with “new computers” a few years back. What they didn’t mention was that the newer computers were pieces of shit. They had about half the memory and power and were dirty-dirt cheap.

I know this because a few weeks ago a dude came through and basically told me that our computers were garbage. The dude was coming through all of the offices to check the MIT Property Tags or something (he mumbled and was creepy, so I didn’t ask too many questions).

He was looking for the tag on my computer and we had an exchange that went something like this:

Creepy McTaggington: “Where’s the tag? I don’t see the tag. Did you remove the tag? You know you’re not supposed to remove the tag. These tags are very important.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…yeah, I didn’t remove any tag.”
Creepy McTaggington: “Are you sure? All of the computers are supposed to have property tags so that we can find them if someone ste…”
Cap’n Charisma “If someone what?”
Creepy McTaggington: “Oh nothing…I was just saying that they need the tags in case someone steals them, but no one is going to steal this thing.”
Cap’n Charisma “Why’s that?!”
Creepy McTaggington: “…because this is an Optiplex 330, these things are so old and cheap that nobody would waste their time. I’m shocked these are still running.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Wait…my computer is so cheap and crappy that it didn’t even warrant putting an MIT Property sticker on it?”
Creepy McTaggington: “Exactly.”

He then laughed and mumbled “Optiplex 330s…how about that…” over and over as he left the room.

I promptly Googled “Optiplex 330” and found a lot of interesting things, for instance, I can buy one for roughly $79 online right now. They were also very well reviewed, back in early-to-mid 2008…you know more than three years ago. I also found this amusing timeline for the Optiplex 330:

So…yeah, my computer should be retired and/or stuffed into a cannon and shot into the sun.

I finally sent a long rambly email to the tech folks today letting them know about my computer woes and inquiring about the potential for a replacement or upgrade.

Here’s hoping I hear back about a replacement computer before I’ve destroyed this one and lost all of my super important saved data (read: old blog posts and iTunes library).



  1. Hate to tell you this, but if the computer sounds like a name of a transformer…you probably have a piece of poop.


  2. I follow you on a regular basis. You make me smile.


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