Britney Spears Involved in an International Incident Asinine Situation

Since we broke up a few years back, Britney Spears and I haven’t exactly seen eye-to-eye.

Prior to our break up, I had issues with her whole “dating Justin Timberlake and never returning my phone calls”-thing and she had issues with my whole “hiding in her heating ducts and digging through her trash to procure discarded personal items”-thing.

At the time of our break up, I had new issues with her whole “head-shaving, redneck marrying, Cheeto-inhaling, baby-having, mental breakdown”-thing and she was having issues with my whole “having issues with her whole head-shaving, redneck marrying, Cheeto-inhaling, baby-having, mental breakdown thing”-thing.

Needless to say, things just weren’t right between Brit-Brit and Cap’n Charisma and I called it off with a very public break up after she crossed the line and took her ride on the crazy train one stop too far.

Pictured: Pretty Much the Dictionary Definition of “Too Far”

Since our break up Britney has gone on to do—um—stuff…and things, maybe?! I guess I don’t really know; things were pretty contentious between us for quite a while there after things fell apart.

I remember that she showed up on “How I Met Your Mother” and I didn’t think it was the worst thing ever, so that was something. I thought the wounds were starting to heal, but then again, I vaguely recall taking a shot at her big “comeback” attempt. That put a stop to our attempt to rekindle the friendship.

It wasn’t until last fall when she showed up on “Glee”—for an episode that was straight-up bitchin’ by-the-by—that we decided to try the whole “being friends”-thing again.

We don’t talk every day or anything, but we’re cordial with one another and always chit-chat when we run into each other at events in LA and New York and whatnot. We don’t always agree with one another on everything, but that’s what a good friendship is all about, give and take, yin and yang, ebb and flow and all that jazz.

Today, however, I want to make it perfectly clear that I’ve totally got Brit-Brit’s back in her latest debacle.

According to the Huffington Post, Britney is in hot water with the Stoke Newington (a borough outside London) government for…wait for it…“lawlessness and weapon-wielding” and they’re looking for some serious reparations.

“I think she should apologize and make a sizeable donation to a Hackney charity that deals with young people…” Councillor Ian Rathbone, of the Hackney Council said, “for the rudeness and damage she’s done to this community.”

All of this stems from a scene she recently shot for her music video, “Criminal.” The scene involves a fake gun and a fake bank robbery which the local government believes promotes very real gun violence in addition to other nefarious acts.

Asked if she thought the council was overreacting, Hackney MP Diane Abbott insisted: “It is only a music video but it’s images like this, with popstars glamorising gangs, which means that some young people… get drawn in. Britney should really know better.”

Glamorizing gangs?

From what I can tell, the video has Britney and her next ex-husband running out of a bank. Last I checked that’s not a gang. That’s pretty much the plot to Raising Arizona…minus a baby kidnapping…and John Goodman.

Popstars and celebrities aren’t in gangs. The six people who are going to watch a Britney Spears video are likely not in the right demographic to be putting together gangs, unless 13-year-old white girls in the suburbs are taking some very drastic measures to get noticed in recent years?

So where am I going with this? Well, I just want Britney—who is undoubtedly an avid reader of this blog—to know that I’ve got her back on this one. This is some straight-up bull-hockey, little lady.

If you’ve got to apologize to get ‘em off your ass, do it, but for the love of your precious Cheetos and Marlboro Lights, don’t give these jokers any freakin’ money. Sure, sure…they had some riots awhile back and that was whack (quick question: are people still referring to things as “whack?!”), but come on the video is called “Criminal” and has this lyric in the first freakin’ verse: “He is a sucker with a gun, gun, gun, gun.”

The first verse!

If they’d done any homework on the shoot, the video, the song or anything before signing off on it, they’d have some ground to stand on here, but they clearly just thought it’d be in their best interest to get some quick cash from the production company and get some cheap buzz from having a celebrity in town.

Stay strong, Brit-Brit. I’ve got your back on this one.