Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | September 26, 2011

Great Moments in Homicide Prediction

I may be late getting to this, but given the impact it figures to have going forward, it seems worth mentioning here today. About a week ago a lost cat, Willow, was discovered in Manhattan thanks to a tracking chip she’d been implanted with as a kitten.

“Lost cat gets found” isn’t a big story in and of itself; in fact, it sounds a lot like a plot so cheesy even Disney wouldn’t make that movie…oh wait.

This one is a bit different, however, because Willow went missing five freakin’ years ago…in Colorado.

Apparently, Willow managed to make it across the country unscathed and is in great shape with no fleas, no missing limbs, no diseases or any of the usual shizzle that strays pick up along the way. It also turns out that she’s a bit chunky, something you don’t typically see in street cats.

That’s all just a tad weird considering that she probably should have been eaten by coyotes or rundown by some asshole in a Toyota Tacoma somewhere in her travels.

Instead, she’s happy and healthy and was returned to her original owners during a full-blown press conference where, according to the New York Post, things went—um—less than good:

“Lauren “Lola’’ Squires had barely finished cooing about how she couldn’t wait to get long-lost Willow home to Colorado — gushing, “I’ll feed her, play with her, take good care of her” — when the frustrated feline snipped at her hand.”

The three-year old did as most overly-dramatic children are wont to do and burst into tears whilst Lola turned her back on the small, noisy child and turned her gaze to the small swarm of photographers.

Willow doesn't give two shits about your tears, little girl. She drinks that stuff up like a fine wine.

Willow clearly wants nothing to do with this little girl. She doesn’t know her. The girl wasn’t even a gleam in Mr. Squires’ eye when Willow went missing and now little Lola wants to move in on Willow’s fifteen minutes of fame by playing the lovey-dovey, Elmyra Duff, cutesy roll.

Un-uh, Willow ain’t havin’ it.

This is Willow’s time, little girl, not yours. Just be happy all she did was nip your finger, she could have been going for the kill.

It seems pretty clear that Willow wants nothing to do with this family, why do you think it took ‘em five years to find her? She traveled nearly 1,800 miles to avoid these peeps for half of her lifespan. Now she’s been tracked down and she’s getting sent back to the Rocky Mountains and the little girl wants to move in on the spotlight, come on now.

If that weren’t bad enough, it sounds like the mother, Jamie Squires, already has plans to profit off of Willow by turning her adventures into a children’s book.

This only figures to further enrage the already feisty Willow, likely to the breaking point.

I’m going to go ahead make a bold prediction that this isn’t the last we hear of Willow or the Squires. No, no…not by a long shot. They’re going to be all over the news soon enough in one of those grisly re-enactments that can only be shown in black and white, because it’s too graphic for sensitive viewers. CSI and Criminal Minds will probably have episodes based around the inevitable future that awaits the Squires.

You see, I think that Willow learned some tricks on the street in her five years on the lam. I’m expecting a whole big Amityville Horror meets The Shining thing going on when they get back to the mountains all alone, separated from society, away from the cameras and the press. Oh yeah, it’s going down.

Willow bit little Lola as a warning. She wants nothing to do with this family. She escaped once and by God, she’ll do it again. Even if she has to kill every single one of them to do it. The ill-advised press conference proved that Willow loves the sight of blood, she gets high off that stuff. It makes her feel alive. It makes her feel in control.

So take heed, the next time Willow gets out, there won’t be anyone to bring her back.

Watch your asses, Squires.



  1. You know, I had basically the exact same thought. I was like “This is the real-life version of ‘Don’t bring your loved ones back from the dead, they never come back right.’ That kitty is feral now. Do not bring her into your home. She will cut you.” And that was even before I knew about her biting the little girl.

    I give them three weeks.


    • I don’t know, Willow might wait until the winter. That way they’re snowed in and have nowhere to run and the smell won’t overwhelm anyone who lives nearby until the spring. She’s a smart one, that Willow.


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