Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | September 14, 2011

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Unfortunately, the title of this entry has nothing to do with the bitchin’ classic from The Clash. Instead it has everything to do with an extremely perplexing library patron who has resurfaced after disappearing all summer long.

The dude in question is, on the surface, perfectly fine to deal with because unlike so many of the peeps I rant and rave about on here, he’s friendly. In fact, that’s more or less the issue, he’s too friendly.

He’s way too friendly. He’s over-the-top friendly. He’s kinda creepy friendly. He’s, well, he’s like…WalMart door greeter friendly.

This guy walks in and out of the library roughly 65,000 times a day. Every time he walks out he says something like: “goodbye, have a good day!” or “goodbye, see you tomorrow!”

…and then he comes back in anywhere from two minutes to half an hour later and greets you like it’s the first time he’s seen you in weeks: “hello, how are you?” or “hi there, hello!”

Perfectly fine, right?

Sure, sure it is…except that, like I said earlier, he leaves the library 65,000 times a day and sometimes his departures last mere minutes. In the two hour shift I was on the desk this evening he left eight times and returned seven times.

And he gave me one of his super friendly platitudes every single time.

Every. Single. Time.

That’s fifteen total “hellos” and “goodbyes” I received in 120 minutes.

Think about that for a minute or two and tell me that wouldn’t drive you abso-f’n-lutely bonkers.

I’d say that during any one-hour shift upwards of two dozen people come and go from the library and at most one or two of ‘em offer a polite smile, head nod or legit verbal acknowledgement. This dude, he does it every time and we’re talking about a dude who—if tonight’s sample size is any indication—likely went in and out of the library somewhere around 64,983 times today (note: I’m bad at math).

I guarantee it’d drive you batty. The dude has broken me down to the point where I want to hit him with a running bicycle kick to the face. He had (The) Peter Norman equally confounded last spring to the point that I assumed he’d receive a patented TPN Pimp Elbow (note: I do not have video of the TPNPE, so I supplemented a Macho Man elbow drop) to the throat somewhere around his fourth “goodbye” of the day.

What really gets to me is that I’ve got no freakin’ idea why he’s doing it. Either go or stay. Don’t come in and out of the library like a mad man every twelve minutes.

The dude is whackadoo and he’s just friendly enough that I’d probably feel bad about stuffing his lifeless body in a trash compactor.




  1. TPNPE! Dude, I HATE that guy! But what was worse, I think, was the metal buckle thing on his bag that made him sound like a fucking cow coming from a mile away. Please DO find a suitable means of disposing of him before we all go nutso.

    Also, look. I’m a real WordPress thing now. wOOt.


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