In one week’s time, I’ll be hoping on a plane and headed back to the Midwest—for like the third month in a row—for my annual week of fantasy baseball and debauchery with The Boys and some time with the family.
As is the case with all of my trips home, I’m anticipating that it will be a whirlwind adventure that leaves me exhausted, stressed, burnt-out and likely oh-so-very broke.
What really worries me about this trip, however, is Charlie Sheen.
You see, I’m well-beyond my Charlie Sheen saturation point and have been for more than a week or so already. The dude is everywhere and you cannot escape him.
He’s on Twitter. He’s on Facebook. He’s on YouTube. He’s on the news. He’s on the radio. He’s popping in random conversation with anyone and everyone. He’s constantly referenced in baseball reports.
It’s already reached the point where I’m almost dreading my annual spring viewing of Major League and I’ve already taken Eight Men Out out of this spring’s baseball movie rotation.
The whole “this guy is a train wreck and doesn’t realize it” thing was funny for about half an hour; somewhere after that it got kinda sad and about an hour or so later it just got irritating.
It took about a day and a half before he realized he could profit from his batshit crazy antics and has turned this whole incoherent, rambling persona into a marketing strategy.
Is he really crazy? Sure, maybe…but it’s far more likely that all the talk of “warlocks” and “tiger blood” is for show at this point because he knows everyone will Tweet it and say it among their friends and continue to perpetuate his new shtick.
The moral of the story is that I’m over it. I’m so over Charlie F’n Sheen.
The problem is that I know the Midwest isn’t over Charlie Sheen. In fact, knowing how the Midwest generally responds to things, he figures to be reaching his cultural zenith about the time I fly home.
I don’t know what it is, but much of the Midwest is sorta sheltered—even in the internet age—from many of the trends that sweep the coasts by storm. Sheen has been crammed down my throat for a couple of weeks out here and I’m just now starting to see his name pop up in Tweets and Facebook posts from friends back home.
I’m very worried that I’m going to leave the east coast as Sheenamania is winding down and land smack dab in the middle of a landlocked revival of all things incoherent and ridiculous.
I just don’t know if I can handle a full week of people talking about “winning” in Minnesota accents after every mundane daily activity.
“Oh hey der Rick, I just caught a ten pound walleye, winning, eh!*”
(*Note: I’m not good at writing a Minnesota accent.)
So if anyone from the Midwest is reading this, please plow through this Charlie Sheen phase as fast as you can so you’ve burnt it out of your system by next Sunday.
You’re on the clock.