Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | January 31, 2011

Buy Me Things

I am going to die.

That’s right, my Faithful Readers, your third-favorite blogger from Iowa is going to die.

Now, I may not die today or tomorrow (*crosses fingers*), but I will die eventually. There is pretty much no doubt in my mind that this will be related to one of the following:

1) The Cheeseburger Chronicles – no explanation needed
2) An ill-fated interaction with a library crazy – in the end, it’s them or me
3) Heart Disease – look at the stats, y’all…you can’t argue with those numbers
4) John Kunkel – don’t ask me why or how, but this kid will very likely be the death of me
5) Jennifer Aniston’s security team– yep
6) Drunken para-sailing – the story writes itself

Anyway, when that day gets here, be it this weekend (what-up Kunkel-Droogsma wedding in Des Moines!) or twenty years from now…I need y’all to do me one thing…


Oh yeah, that’s right, y’all…it’s a freakin’ Minnesota Twins coffin!!

I know what you’re thinking and I agree completely, this bad-boy is worth every penny. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear to come outfitted with HDTV, the internet or even the Twins Radio Network, so the inner-coffin extravagances are a bit limited. Granted, I’ll be all-kinds of dead once I need this sucker, so it probably won’t matter all that much in the long run.

Granted, it’d be pretty sweet to have Dick and Berty calling Twins games in my coffin long after I’ve turned into a zombie. I assume it would be soothing as I spend the rest of eternity trying to claw my way out of that sexy box to feast on human flesh.

If any of you find the cost a bit prohibitive, there is a second option, but it really only works if I die in a fire or I’m turned into sand by some sort of comic book villain.

I mean, sure…y’all could go out of your way to have me cremated, but—you know—there is the one tiny little problem of “don’t f’n having me cremated.” That’s weird shit right there.

I don’t wanna be set on fire when I’m alive and I sure as hell don’t wanna be set on fire when I’m dead.

It’s a small request, please honor it, or I’ll go all-kinds of zombie on your ass.



  1. It’s too bad you don’t want to be cremated since the urn is really a much better design. And then Grace could keep you on her mantle. Maybe they’ll invent a shrink-ray by the time you die and she could keep your tiny undead zombie body locked in the urn, maybe with a viewing window put in the side…


    • I could handle being a mini-zombie on display for the rest of eternity. Although be warned, if I ever break outta that thing…I’m gonna mess some shit up as a mini-zombie.


  2. hmm…if we cremate you you say you will go all kinds of zombie on us. yet you will be ashes. i think to deter the zombie apocalypse that cremation is necessary.


  3. […] written about my impending demise in the past, so there’s no need for me to re-hash that subject a second […]


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