Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | November 5, 2010

Writing Prompt: Dead Man Writing

[Originally published at Pushing the Quill.]

Our internet just keeps getting worse.

I’ve had to restart our router six times tonight just to check my email and Facebook. It’s freakin’ ridiculous. Anyway, as a result, I’ll be rocking yet another writing prompt from Plinky yet again tonight.

It should be noted that I’ll be doing this one rather briefly because the internet (ie: my ability to post this sucker) could disappear at just about any second. That having been said, let’s do this:

You’re a fly on the wall at your own funeral. What are people saying about you?

“So what was he trying to do with that ‘facial hair?’”

“Is he seriously wearing a Twins cap at his own funeral?”

“Even when he’s dead he smells like an incontinent Turkish beet farmer.”

“Dude had a serious ghetto booty…”

“He said he didn’t really like Seinfeld, I think he just didn’t get it.”

“I hate the way he used ellipses…they were everywhere…like…seriously…everywhere!!”

“What is Grace going to do with all those t-shirts?!”

“I knew he’d be dead before 30!! You owe me $50!”

“D..d…di…did he just move? Holy shit, ZOMBIE GRAVES!!!”

“Worst taste in music, ever!!”

“Jennifer Aniston can finally breathe easy.”

“Is someone going to update his Facebook status?”

“You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen his hair. Is he blonde? Brunette? Bald?”

“Anyone else ever think he had big ole trout lips?!”

“Poor bastard never even won his own fantasy baseball league.”

“Where’s the food? I was told there would be food…”

“So…uh…Grace is single now, huh?! How soon is too soon to ask her out?!”

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

“If he were still with us, I think he’d want us to be live-Tweeting this entire event!”

“This is reason number 10,328 why I won’t ever get hooked on energy drinks.”

“I wanna punch him in the face. You know, just because…”

“Is that the only pair of jeans he owns?!”

“I never liked the way he ran the bases. He looks like a lumbering giraffe tripping on crystal meth.”

“He’s gotta big damn head. It’s like a stop sign or a big ole, albino pumpkin or something.”

“His dad kinda reminds me of Hulk Hogan.”

“Did you know he wore contacts? I didn’t know he wore contacts. Weird stuff…”

“I hope they donate his body to science, I really wanna know what his insides look like.”

“Remember that time he ate three McRibs in one sitting…yeah, exactly. His death did not come as a shock to me.”

“…that’s what she said.”

“Even in a coffin he’s got horrible posture. He’s a big ole slouchy gorilla.”

“He’s the only guy I know who ever actually ate one of those KFC Double-Down things. As such, this isn’t exactly shocking.”

“Gumby! That’s who he looks like. Gumby!”

“I heard they found a can of spray cheese in his desk drawer, this dude had a serious problem.”

“His phone sucked.”


“I’ve always thought that taco shells were like little corn envelopes. ”

“I always kinda hated Axe. He smelled a lot like Axe for a long time. I always kinda hated him for a long time.”

“He always had a pen…oh and floss too!”

“Why would anyone start all of their emails with “hey y’all?” He’s not even from the south.”

“I call dibs on his softball gear!”

“Did you hear they’re getting a Taco John’s in Boston next week. Talk about bad timing.”

“He was nice.”

…okay that’s all I’ve got. It’s late and I’m ready for bed. Feel free to add any extras in the comments.



  1. OK, ok…with 1/2 bottle of wine and some bourbon in me, I agree. I would say a whole bunch of those things.


    I MIGHT say…

    “Dude rocked my library world.”

    “Pretty much one of the most awesomest people, EVAR.”


    That is all.


    • Aw shucks!

      All good responses…I ❤ the gobblerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. […] That’s right, my Faithful Readers, your third-favorite blogger from Iowa is going to die. […]


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