Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | October 16, 2010

Show Me the Money

This blog entry was originally published at Pushing the Quill

I’m no fool, I know a good thing when I see it, and today’s Plinky writing prompt looks like a good one.

Plus, you gotta figure that if both of the lovely ladies I share this blog with decided it was worth a write-up, I gotta jump in on the action, right?!


What would you do with a million dollars?

I think that both of my charming co-writers—Lindsey and dgobs, respectively—took the right approach on this question. They both weighed out how much they’d spend on each of their ventures and gave some background as to why they’d spend the money on said ventures.

I think I’ll go ahead with the blatant plagiarism and keep the ball rolling in that direction.

Although before we get there, I do have to ask a few questions that are already bothering me about this particular prompt.

1) Where the heck did this money come from? Like, seriously people, is this drug money? Is this mafia money? Did I win a contest of some sort?!

2) How come it is exactly one million dollars?! That seems like such a hard-to-get amount. Most contests or game-shows would tax the crap outta that money. You’d never get exactly a million. The lottery is generally worth way more than that…so how is it exactly one million?!

3) Does it make anyone else sad that a million dollars is probably not enough money to quit your job and become some sort of recluse who writes for a living whilst occasionally turning up at professional sporting events and major movie premieres. That makes me sad…oh so very sad.

Okay, that’s the end of my questions. We’ll just go ahead and say I’ve got a million bucks sitting in front of me. Now what do I do with it?!

Round One: Fiscal Responsibility

This has been a common thread amongst all of us middle-class, white American wannabe writers and I figure I don’t wanna be the guy who holds my people back by messing things up, so I’ll go ahead and start things off the right way as well. I’d use the first of my money to pay off my debts. Luckily, I’m not big on using my credit cards unless I can pay them off right away and I’ve generally been pretty wise with my money. As such, that leaves me with roughly $15,000 left in school loans and at most a $1,000 currently spread out across all of my credit cards. Yeah, I think that’s where I’d start.

Money Remaining: $984,000

Next I’d probably go ahead and set aside some cash. I think I’d take about $250,000 and set it aside in multiple accounts. I’d have it set up so that—barring some sort of emergency—I have roughly $15,000 deposited into a joint-checking account for me and Grace each year. Not enough to make us filthy rich, but enough to allow us to work without fear of making rent and paying the basic bills.

Money Remaining: $734,000

I’d invest some money. I’ve got no idea what the hell I’d invest it in or how I’d even go about it, likely I’d hire some sort of financial advisor…or I’d do like I did when I was picking the, um, thingity-things for my 401k and I’d just pick at random. Either way, I’d try to make some of my money work for me, let’s say roughly $125,000 invested. That seems like enough to turn a serious profit (or lose my ass).

Money Remaining: $ 609,000

Round Two: Helping Hands

Obviously my parents get a shot of this cash. Not that they need it—all of the kids out of the house has made their lives pretty comfortable, financially-speaking—but this would alleviate some of the pressure for them to both bust their asses so much at work. They’re both nearing fifty, it’s about time they slow down a little bit. I’d like to think that a hundred Gs would be enough to calm ‘em down just a lil bit.

Money Remaining: $509,000

My brothers should probably both get some bling-bling outta this two, because they’d hook me up if the roles were reversed. No doubt about that.

First up is my brother G-Doggy. He gets $50,000 with the understanding that he needs to set a chunk of that away for my niece, Aubree’s college fund. Also his wife isn’t allowed to touch it, like, at all. It ain’t going for clothes or CDs or any of that shit. It’s going to keep my brother from working 60+ hours a week to support that family for the next forty years. Hopefully he’ll figure out how to make it work.

Next up is my brother Eric, who—in addition to kicking ass at the Special Olympics—has taken up the travel bug in recent years. I figure I’ll drop 50Gs on his doorstep too. I’m sure that he can find a use for that money, whether it’s for travelling or injecting himself with horse tranquilizers to calm the nerves before a big race, I don’t care as long as he’s happy.

Money Remaining: $409,000

After that I think I’d toss a few bones to The Boys and some other friends who are in quasi-dire straits in the cash department. In an effort to avoid divulging who would get how much—I don’t wanna play favorites here—I won’t mention names or individual amounts. All-in-all, I think I’d earmark roughly another $100,000 for helping out my peeps; again, operating under the assumption that they’d all toss a few bones my way if the situation were reversed.

Money Remaining: $309,000

Round Three: Frivolous Spending

I want Lasik eye surgery. Okay, maybe it’s not Lasik. I’m not entirely sure which laser beamy, eye-zapperizing procedure is the one that’d fix my eyes up, but I want it. The eye doctor back home always told me it’d run roughly a grand per eyeball. The way I see it, I’m bound to spend way more than that over a lifetime on contact lenses and contact solution (especially when it’s like $10/bottle out in Boston…WTF, right?!). As such, why not fix these bad boys up and be done with it. I’ll figure a little high for inflation.

Money Remaining: $304,000

I want some new softball gear. My glove is pretty old and beat up, although I guess if I could pay someone else to re-string it and put some new padding in the palm, that’d save me the time of breaking it in, so I guess I don’t need a new glove. I do, however, want a couple of fancy new bats and maybe some more tape.

Money Remaining: $302,500

Grace will want to go on a vacation. This will mean that I can finally afford to take her overseas to some place totally bitchin’ that she’s always wanted to go like Paris or Rome or London or something. Yeah, we’d totally do that and we’d do it first-class style too…

Money Remaining: $291,653

We could use some new bath towels.

Money Remaining: $291,549

It’d probably be about time for a legit television and maybe real cable and high-speed internet and new laptops and a real DVD/VCR and maybe a PS3 and all of that fancy-schmancy stuff. Heck, maybe even new cell phones, perhaps even smartphones. What up?!

Money Remaining: $285,049

I’d really like to get the seasons of The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Community, Scrubs, and Glee that I don’t currently own. I’m sure I could come up with a few others.

Money Remaining: $284,494

New bookshelves and a buttload of books (albeit, bitchin’ used ones from local book stores…go local economy).

Money Remaining: $283,219

The McRib is coming back soon…

Money Remaining: $283,102

Airline tickets to fly home more during the year for Grace and I and/or for our friends/family to fly out to see us.

Money Remaining: $274,688

Massages. There would be so many massages.

Money Remaining: $269,349

Opening Day at Target Field, plus some playoff tickets. Let’s also not forget that I’d be attending my first All-Star Game and World Series regardless of the Minnesota Twins involvement. I’d be making sure my Pappy was included on much of this. Also another pilgrimage to Cooperstown, New York for the Hall of Fame ceremony where Bert Blyleven should FINALLY be getting inducted.

Money Remaining: $261,162

Grace and I have been talking about buying a new bed pretty much since we bought our current bed—from the back of a dollar store, don’t ask—so that’d probably be a wise investment.

Money Remaining: $259,931

I guess I’d take some of that money and toss it at the Halloween party Grace and I are tossing. We dig throwing parties and they are generally well-received, so why not toss down a handful of hundy-sticks to make things really bad-ass, right?!

Money Remaining: $258,862

I’d buy all of the drinks at the infamous Muddy Charles Pub for a night to celebrate winning/stealing/inheriting/whatevering the one million in cold hard cash. I think I’d rent the whole damned place out. Yeah, that sounds swell.

Money Remaining: $256,973

Pumpkin Spice Latte, while I still can!!

Money Remaining: $256,967

Damn, I guess that’s all I’ve got for right now.

I’d really like to think I could come up with more ways to spend the money—and I’m sure if I really had the money I could—but I guess I’ve done the whole “fiscal responsibility” thing so long that I’m struggling to come up with any good stuff.

The way I see it, if the money isn’t enough to quit my job and spend the rest of my life living like some sort of king—you know, until the zombies come (obviously)—then what’s the point in going nuts with the cash, right?!

I’d probably be panicky about pissing it all away and continue leading basically the same lifestyle I lead now. In a perfect world, I’d never tell anyone that I won/stole/found/inherited/counterfeited all that money—maybe not even Grace—and I’d just pretend like nothing had changed.

In the end, I guess I’m just a pretty boring guy who thinks it’d be neat if he didn’t have to compare prices between the generic and name-brand versions of No-Doze at the drugstore.

Yeah…that’d be neat. That’d be real damned neat.



  1. […] the planning stages for awhile now. A couple years back I took a look at what I’d do if I had a million dollars and much of that still remains the same, albeit with about 500 times as much […]


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