Cheeseburger Chronicles #069

If you’ve been following along here at Blank Stares and Blank Pages for any amount of time now, you’re well-aware that I’ve got a problem with challenges. I have a tendency to let my competitive nature (read: two parts ego, one part blatant stupidity, and a dash of Peter Pan syndrome) take over in situations where common sense would prove far more beneficial.

This was one of those situations.

While I was home for the Fourth of July, I spent a night hanging out with my buddy Johnny and his lovely gal, Tina. These kids recently moved to St. Peter, Minnesota, which is known for being a tornado magnet and little else.

It is, however, home to Patrick’s on Third. This may not mean much to you and that’s fine. Initially, I just thought it was cool that Johnny lived above a place with dollar taps. I soon found out that Patrick’s offers more than just cheap suds. They also play home to the Chuck Norris Burger and with it, the Chuck Norris Challenge.

The Chuck Norris Burger is a frightening mountain of meat and shame.

It consists of two one pound patties, four slices of cheese, four slices of bacon, and—here’s the kicker—a grilled cheese sammitch in the middle. I know, right?!

Now I’ve eaten a big burger or two in my day, but this was pretty intense. We inquired about the challenge which is as follows: eat the entire burger and two sides in under an hour and you win.

Unfortunately, the challenge is only “live” on Tuesdays. It was a Saturday, so there was absolutely nothing to be gained from taking the challenge pro-bono. Unfortunately, I’m an idiot and did it anyway.

Cheeseburger #069

What: Chuck Norris Burger

When: July 10, 2010

Where: Patrick’s on Third (St. Peter, MN)

How (was it): How to describe a burger than nearly emasculated me?! Hmmmmmmm…

It was a pretty good burger, initially, anyway. The patties were a little overcooked which was doable early on, when I was plowing through that thing like a feisty wolverine, but become a major issue late in the game when the meat was cold and I was struggling to keep shoving it in my face.

The grilled cheese in the middle was a great addition to the burger and if they had a human-sized version of this monstrosity could be pretty damned enjoyable.

I found myself flying through in the early goings, but the overcooked meat slowed me down as it started to cool. It’s one thing to plow through an overcooked burger when the meat, cheese, and bacon are all still hot and juicy. It’s a whole different beast when they’ve all cooled and sorta separated.

I slowed down considerably between the half-hour and fifty minute mark. At which point, desperation set in and I started shoveling burger in to my already full belly.

It was at the fifty minute mark that I figured I’d already come too damned far to give up now, especially if I was doomed to spend the rest of the night uncomfortable and bloated anyway, why not go for the gold.

I shoveled the last of the burger in with about six minutes to spare and then made eye contact with a dreaded plate covered in two sides. I’d gotten onion rings and potato wedges.

The onions rings were awesome and went down pretty easy. The wedges sucked monkey balls and had already turned into cold, chewy blobs of potato. They would prove to be my biggest nemesis.

I kept nibbling on them, thinking I might puke and/or die.

With roughly seven seconds—and half a wedge—left, I nearly blew chunks all over the table. Tina and Johnny’s eyes both got large because they could TOTALLY tell I was about to lose it. I slammed my remaining swig of beer and tossed the last wedge in with like three seconds to spare.

I had conquered the challenge, albeit on a night when it didn’t really count.

There is some pride to be had in that…right?!