As any avid reader of my blog knows, I’m a big baseball fan. As such, I’ve been watching the Major League playoffs pretty much nonstop for the past couple of weeks or so.
During that time I’ve come to loathe numerous things, largely in part because the playoffs have been completely inundated with the same seven-or-so commercials playing ad infinitum each and every game.
At this point, I abso-F’n-lutely hate George Lopez. No one in their right mind is going to tune into TBS for a late-night talk show hosted by this ass-clown.
He’s not funny, despite being a comedian—something that in most professions gets you fired—and his show is on freakin’ TBS. Who thinks TBS when they think late-night talk shows?!
Conan and Letterman are going to destroy your ass and this abomination will get canceled in the first month, meaning I sat through 8 million commercials for your new show for no reason.
This will not be forgotten, Lopez.
Anyway, this isn’t about George Lopez. This isn’t about Hass Avocados, Avis car rentals, Charles Schwab or any of the other commercials that I’ve seen so many times the people at Guantanamo Bay would feel inclined to say “come on dude, that’s enough.”
No, no…this is about the new Ask.com commercials.
For anyone who has yet to witness this atrocity, I’m warning you now. It hurts. It hurts physically and it hurts emotionally.
The scariest part is that there is definitely the potential that the dreadful jingle could get stuck in your head and I don’t want that to happen to any of you, my Faithful Readers.
Now that you’ve officially been warned, here it is for your viewing displeasure…
Okay, if you’re still reading that means you didn’t destroy your desktop, laptop or mobile device with a hammer and for that, I thank you.
I don’t know how ads like these get approved, let alone created. Like seriously, can you imagine the pitch meeting in the marketing department at Ask.com:
Idiot #1: “Hey y’all, we need a new commercial…something that will REALLY get people talking.”
Idiot #2: “Man, I’ve got nothing.”
Idiot #3: “You know what would rock, a commercial that is both visually unappealing AND completely grating on the ears!!”
Idiot #2: “Wouldn’t people hate that?!”
Idiot #3: “Oh yeah, but it’ll get ‘em talking…”
Idiot #1: “What was that? I wasn’t paying any attention, I was reading the latest installment at “Blank Stares and Blank Pages” on my iPhone, you guys just do whatever. Just make sure it gets people talking. I’ve got to go to some high-powered lunch or whatever rich people like me do…”
And yeah, that’s pretty much how I envision that this monstrosity came to be.
It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when Ask.com was associated with Jeeves, the butler and not a bunch of dancing douchebags, with blatantly limited vocabularies.
You know what’s even worse, whilst doing a little investigating to write this mini-rant, I stumbled upon the actual Askdeals.com section of Ask.com that this commercial advertising abortion is pimping and found a fate worse than death.
The site plays this freakin’ song on a never-ending loop with videos featuring real people—all of whom I can only assume have serious, serious mental deficiencies—singing and dancing along.
If that wasn’t enough, the website managed to crash my computer.
So to the folks in Ask.com’s marketing department, I want you to listen and listen real good…I’m coming for you jerks.
You won’t know when. You won’t know where. But trust me, I’m going to find y’all and make you pay for unleashing this plague upon the entire baseball-loving population.