It’s Not Me, It’s You

I’ve decided that today is a good day for a break-up.

Don’t worry, Faithful Readers, I’m not talking about any sort of major, life-altering break-up.

No, this isn’t like either of the previous public break-ups I’ve shared with y’all (seen: HERE and HERE).

You see, I won’t be dumping Grace today. My bromance with Johnathon Kunkel isn’t coming to an end and I won’t be leaving my work-husband, Mr. Ryan Gray, either. I’m not even calling it quits on my long-distance love affair with Jennifer Aniston.

No, no…today’s break-up is of another sort. Today I’ve decided to break-up with a whole bunch of my “friends” on Facebook.

You see, there was a time when I first stumbled headlong into the world of Facebook that I thought it was somehow “cool” to accumulate as many friends as possible, as if I could possibly collect the whole set or something.

Soon thereafter Facebook went from being a VIP-style, college-only website to suddenly including high-schoolers and within months, ANYONE could join. There was no stopping the madness and certainly no collecting all of anything.

Suddenly I was receiving friend requests from strangers in Europe, sorostitutes in Texas, bands from California, douche-bags from my past and a plethora of kids from good ole Hartley, Iowa, who were in like 3rd grade when I graduated high school and left town.

From my humble beginnings on Facebook, when I had zero friends and couldn’t figure out how to add more (social networking is a learned skill, y’all), to my current situation where I’ve got over 600 friends, things have clearly changed.

I only know a fraction of those 600 friends and to be perfectly honest I’ve grown very, very sick and tired of having my Facebook page polluted with the asinine updates of strangers. As such, I’ve decided that today is a good day for some serious break-up action, a little “Fall Cleaning” if you will.

As such, here are the basic guidelines by which I’ll be dropping “friends” from my list…

-People I don’t actually know…you’re probably in danger here.
-People I never talk to and/or see…odds are this is the end.
-People who never post anything interesting or amusing…also in danger.
-Anyone still in high school and not somehow related to me…done.
-Anyone who posts overly dramatic status updates…you’re lucky I’m not ACTUALLY killing you.
-Anyone who has ever interrupted Taylor Swift in the middle of an acceptance speech…gone and you should probably watch your back.
-People who use internet shorthand like it’s a real language…Game Over.
-People who have pictures of their kids as a profile picture…we’ll be going on a case-by-case basis.
-Anyone who can’t spell correctly at least 90% of the time…Hit the Bricks.
-Those of you who were pricks in high school…you’re probably still a prick, so we’re done here.

Here are the requirements for those of you whom I’ll be keeping around….

-You’re related to me (and you don’t suck at life).
-You’re actually one of my friends.
-You have previously and/or will someday buy me some Taco John’s.
-You post entertaining things on Facebook a whole big bunch.
-You’re a hottie with lots of pictures.
-You have Major League Baseball connections.
-We work together and I’m not fearful that you can and/or will get me fired.