Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | September 26, 2009

It’s Not Me, It’s You


I’ve decided that today is a good day for a break-up.

Don’t worry, Faithful Readers, I’m not talking about any sort of major, life-altering break-up.

No, this isn’t like either of the previous public break-ups I’ve shared with y’all (seen: HERE and HERE).

You see, I won’t be dumping Grace today. My bromance with Johnathon Kunkel isn’t coming to an end and I won’t be leaving my work-husband, Mr. Ryan Gray, either. I’m not even calling it quits on my long-distance love affair with Jennifer Aniston.

No, no…today’s break-up is of another sort. Today I’ve decided to break-up with a whole bunch of my “friends” on Facebook.

You see, there was a time when I first stumbled headlong into the world of Facebook that I thought it was somehow “cool” to accumulate as many friends as possible, as if I could possibly collect the whole set or something.

Soon thereafter Facebook went from being a VIP-style, college-only website to suddenly including high-schoolers and within months, ANYONE could join. There was no stopping the madness and certainly no collecting all of anything.

Suddenly I was receiving friend requests from strangers in Europe, sorostitutes in Texas, bands from California, douche-bags from my past and a plethora of kids from good ole Hartley, Iowa, who were in like 3rd grade when I graduated high school and left town.

From my humble beginnings on Facebook, when I had zero friends and couldn’t figure out how to add more (social networking is a learned skill, y’all), to my current situation where I’ve got over 600 friends, things have clearly changed.

I only know a fraction of those 600 friends and to be perfectly honest I’ve grown very, very sick and tired of having my Facebook page polluted with the asinine updates of strangers. As such, I’ve decided that today is a good day for some serious break-up action, a little “Fall Cleaning” if you will.

As such, here are the basic guidelines by which I’ll be dropping “friends” from my list…

-People I don’t actually know…you’re probably in danger here.
-People I never talk to and/or see…odds are this is the end.
-People who never post anything interesting or amusing…also in danger.
-Anyone still in high school and not somehow related to me…done.
-Anyone who posts overly dramatic status updates…you’re lucky I’m not ACTUALLY killing you.
-Anyone who has ever interrupted Taylor Swift in the middle of an acceptance speech…gone and you should probably watch your back.
-People who use internet shorthand like it’s a real language…Game Over.
-People who have pictures of their kids as a profile picture…we’ll be going on a case-by-case basis.
-Anyone who can’t spell correctly at least 90% of the time…Hit the Bricks.
-Those of you who were pricks in high school…you’re probably still a prick, so we’re done here.

Here are the requirements for those of you whom I’ll be keeping around….

-You’re related to me (and you don’t suck at life).
-You’re actually one of my friends.
-You have previously and/or will someday buy me some Taco John’s.
-You post entertaining things on Facebook a whole big bunch.
-You’re a hottie with lots of pictures.
-You have Major League Baseball connections.
-We work together and I’m not fearful that you can and/or will get me fired.



  1. Never a bad idea to do some facebook friend purging… especially when people go overboard with the insane updates or are d-bags. I had to ditch a study-abroad friend last week because he insulted New England in a d-baggy way. We weren’t actually friends anyway… just happened to share a house once for a semester. And now he knows not to mess with the homeland \m/


    • You are oh so very many kinds of awesome!!

      Yeah, I just couldn’t stand all the bullshit and having to muddle through it to find the updates I really wanted to see. As such, I’ve knocked off over 200 friends already and counting. Here’s to hoping I can get it below 400 total by the end of this shift.


  2. I’m just going to hold on to hope and think that I’m a hottie with lots of pictures. If that doesn’t save me, I don’t think I’ll get you fired…

    BTW, nary an ounce of fluff was consumed on my end. Beer, on the other hand…


    • No worries, TPN…you fit all of the above criteria for sticking around on the ole Friends list.


  3. HMMMMMMMM maybe I’ll buy you Taco Johns just to be safe. You will have to get the hell back to kato first. Since I dought you will like old shipped TJ’s


    • Hey, hey, hey…you calm down now, I’ve only got like three weeks until I’m back in your neck of the woods!!

      Then you can DEFINITELY buy me some TJs!!


  4. I wish I had the guts to clean out my Facebook friends. I don’t have nearly as many as you do, but it’s safe to say I probably only would keep about a third of the amount of have (and half of those are just people I want to Facebook stalk). You’re a brave, brave soul.

    PS – I was really afraid you were going to close your Facebook account.


  5. […] fact, I once wrote a whole post detailing the criteria that I use when I make these—now quarterly—cuts to the official “friends” […]


  6. […] done my best to chop down my “friends” list over the years and I’d like to think that a lot of what I post is more […]


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