Okay, I’ve received a whole lotta flack–and “flack” is wording it nicely–since I mentioned Megan Fox in my inaugural edition of “Ten Things I’m Sick Of…” back at the end of June.
Most of the comments have been of the very classy variety, as one might expect when an icon of teenage boys everywhere is insulted.
Here are a few quick examples:
“You’re so gay. Megan Fox is the hotest [sic] chick on the planet.”
“You’re a [EXPLETIVE] idiot. She’s the sexiest [EXPLETIVE] woman ever. I‘d [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] her so hard she‘d [EXPLETIVE] explode.”
“Does it bother your girlfriend that she’s dating a gay dude?”
I think all y’all get where this is going.
Luckily, these aren’t the only responses I got. I also received about 600 spam messages inviting me to see Megan Fox naked. Much the same way I got 600 spam messages to see Kim Kardashian and Rachel Ray naked when I threatened to heinously murder them. Thanks spam, you’re swell.
Anyway, there’s a few ways I’ve thought about clearing the air.
I could simply apologize to the large portion of my audience that is clearly very pro-Fox.
I could meticulously break down the pros and cons of Megan Fox.
I could admit that I’m secretly in love with her and have been saving up money in a jar beneath my bed so that I can fly to Hollywood and kidnap her under the cover of nightfall and keep her hostage in our spare bedroom so that she can re-enact scenes from “Transformers” for the rest of my life.
I’ve decided I’m not going to do any of that.
You see, I didn’t say anything about Megan Fox that wasn’t dead on. In fact, to prove my point, here is exactly what I said, verbatim:
“I get it, you’re hot and you want to make sure that every dude in the world thinks so. Problem is you’re also boring and beyond sticking your naughty-bits in the air and licking your lips, you’re pretty much worthless. Feel free to finish up your fifteen minutes of fame and then you can disappear into the flash-in-the-pan junkyard alongside Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and a whole host of other talentless hotties.”
Can anyone tell me where I went wrong?
Does anyone out there really want to attempt to defend her acting ability?!
Is so, I implore you to do so. Please, please do so. I would ABSO-F’N-LUTELY LOVE to read that argument.
So where did I go wrong? I don’t really know?!
I said she’s kinda talentless. That is pretty freakin’ accurate.
I said she’s kinda boring. That is pretty freakin’ accurate.
I said she’s hot. That is pretty freakin’ accurate.
Maybe this is where all the dudes got confused. Just because I’m not out there Googling which porn star looks the most like her for “recreational use,” does not mean I’m oblivious to the fact that she’s a hottie.
I mean come on, I’m not blind. She’s gorgeous. Duh.
If I were single–and she had a personality–we could totally make that happen.
Except–and this is something all y’all out there who want to do things that involve lots of [EXPLETIVES] should listen to–there’s a pretty good chance she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Much like she won’t have anything to do with all y’all rocking the very, very creative attacks on my sexuality.
She’s a tease. A hot, brainless, talentless tease with no personality.
Get over it y’all…