Sometimes I encounter things and I just feel an urge to rant and/or rave about them, but many of these things don’t warrant an entire blog post. As such, they fall into the landfill that is “Brain Droppings.”
Enjoy (or struggle through, either way)…
Joggers on Mass Ave
Every time I see someone jogging on Mass Ave, I kind of want to trip them. And then kick them in the ribs whilst they writhe in pain on the ground.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete jerk or anything, but every time I see someone jogging down Mass Ave it is completely obvious that they’re only doing it to be seen. Anyone who was jogging to jog wouldn’t be caught dead on Mass Ave.
Mass Ave is constantly packed with crazies, tourists and crazy tourists so why would anyone who is actually out to get a workout want to jog on a route that would require them to slalom in and out of stinky, loud, crazy folks?!
Car Alarms are Pointless
There is no worse invention than the car alarm. Seriously, we could take into account any invention you want. Cocaine, PBR, Hummers and every Eddie Murphy movie since the ‘80s included. Car alarms are worse than all of ‘em!!
For some reason this car alarm outside my apartment just keeps going off, for like ten minute intervals and then someone comes along and turns it off–for much shorter intervals of five minutes or less–and then it f’n goes off again.
I have no desire to call the cops. I have no desire to run out and ensure the safety of that automobile. I do, however, have a desire to go outside and destroy that car with a baseball bat. Car alarms are NOT a wise investment, especially if you live in my neighborhood. You’ve been warned.
Really, what’s the f’n point?! Come on folks. If you want to eat something that looks like meat and has the same texture as meat, just eat some f’n meat.
If you want to eat something that looks like meat and has the same texture as meat and tastes sorta like sawdust and green beans…stick with the fake-ass veggie meats.
Sharon Stone in “Total Recall”
Sharon Stone used to be a stone-cold fox. Like seriously, I somehow found myself watching “Total Recall” on Sci-Fi yesterday and I immediately fell in love with the gorgeous, curvy blonde bombshell on the screen. Like seriously, I had a ton of little hearts floating around my head…it was weird.
Anyway, I ran to the wonder that is IMDB and read that it was–apparently–Sharon Stone. As one might expect, I responded the way any 25-year old who doesn’t really remember a hot version of Sharon Stone would…I blurted out a loud, boisterous “BULLSHIT!!”
Two Coors Lights and some more fact-checking lead me to finally give into the fact that Sharon Stone wasn’t always just a creepy-looking quasi-attractive grandma, but apparently was–in fact–a mega-hottie. That makes me happy. Way to go Ms. Stone, good for you!
Super Cuts Employees Have No Self-Esteem
I went to get a haircut yesterday. As always, I went to Super Cuts. It doesn’t make much sense, because I kind of hate Super Cuts. They have a tendency to give me awful haircuts that always grow into some sort of bowl-cut and eventually into a full-on mullet. Granted, that might not be their fault…it’s quite possible my hair is genetically-engineered to make me look like a redneck.
Either way, when I was at Super Cuts I foolishly tried–as I always do–to make small-talk with the lovely young goth woman cutting my hair. I thought the whole “goth thing” had sorta run its course after “The Craft” finally came out on DVD, but apparently I was mistaken.
Anyway, so this gal was all-kinds of creepy and quiet, yet kept staring at me in the mirror whilst she should have been focused on haircut that I was paying for. So I told her I liked her shoes–which were pretty bad-ass, they were black Converse with wings–and she immediately pulled a complete 180 and turned all vocal and bubbly.
Apparently, she has zero self-esteem and one friendly comment about her shoes was all it took to make her go from quasi-creepy goth to freakishly charismatic cheerleader in like six seconds. Weird.
He’s Not David Ortiz
I saw this dude yesterday who looked identical to “Big Papi” David Ortiz. Like seriously, this dude looked IDENTICAL to Ortiz. So much so that I had no second-thoughts prior to screaming out “Hey BIG PAPI!!!”
It was not David Ortiz. I found this out in a hurry when he opened his mouth and sounded kinda like Mike Tyson, but with his testicles in a vice. No man’s voice should be that high, at least not post-puberty.
Anyway, so he said to me: “Every black man, ain’t Big Papi, bitch!!” and walked off all pissy-like. I took a minute to gather my thoughts and decided that the next time I yell “Hey Big Papi” at anyone, it will be at Fenway and it will be to the 230 pound Dominican man standing in the on-deck circle wearing a David Ortiz jersey…you know, just to be safe.