01) Megan Fox.
-I get it, you’re hot and you want to make sure that every dude in the world thinks so. Problem is you’re also boring and beyond sticking your naughty-bits in the air and licking your lips, you’re pretty much worthless. Feel free to finish up your fifteen minutes of fame and then you can disappear into the flash-in-the-pan junkyard alongside Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and a whole host of other talentless hotties.
02) Blue Tooth Headsets.
– If you’re wearing one, you look like a douche-bag. Period. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re at Burger King and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Jefferson account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No mayo. I said no mayo! Yeah, that’s right, Jefferson account on my desk! No tomatoes!” it gets to be pretty damn confusing and douchey to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing Blue Tooth headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after Thanksgiving sale at Best Buy.
03) Calories Listed on Beer Bottles.
– Perhaps someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but when was the last time anyone who was even remotely health conscience actually went out and ordered a beer? If you’re counting calories, the last thing you want to tango with is a beer. First, because all of your friends are going to make you feel awful when they start taunting you for actually ordering an MGD 64 or an Amstel Light. Second, because you don’t drink beer if you want to lose weight, you eat celery, you drink water, you vomit and you run 50 miles a day. Ask my friend, Travis, he’s the professional when it comes to weight-loss. He doesn’t touch beer. He will, however, polish off a bottle of Captain Morgan if given the chance and why is that you ask?! Because it doesn’t list the calories…and it’s bound to make him puke. Circle of life.
04) The NBA.
– F*CK the NBA, that’s why.
05) Michael Jackson Hero Worship.
– Remember that time six months ago when if someone would have asked you what you thought of Michael Jackson, you’d probably have called him “that demon-faced child molester?!” Weird how that changes when the dude dies. Could he dance like a maniac, hells yes! Did he put out some bad-ass music (about twenty years ago), hells yes! Has he been a sad, creepy shadow of that guy ever since, um, yes…yes he has. I never grew up with the cool Michael Jackson. I grew up with the Michael Jackson whose mere presence would have caused my parents to shove me into the car and speed off the wrong way up an exit ramp to avoid. As such, I may be a little cold and a little nonchalant about the whole thing, but let’s be honest in a week, you’ll all be over it too. Remember when you all busted out Johnny Cash CDs for one long, sad, rainy weekend a few years back?! Yeah…it’s that, but with a better dance beat.
06) Books About Magnetic Resonance.
– I don’t know what the hell magnetic resonance is. I have absolutely no desire to know what magnetic resonance is, yet every day I find myself checking in books about magnetic resonance. Sure that’s one of the pratfalls of working in an engineering library, but come on…don’t any of you nerds want to request a Garfield Fat-Cat Three Pack or maybe something by Chuck Klosterman?! It’s summer vacation for Jebus’ sake, take some time off from being a nerd.
07) Clouds and Rain.
– June in Boston has sucked. The sun essentially has been in hiding since the beginning of the month, only making rare appearances to taunt the pasty masses before disappearing behind the unceasing bank of ominous grey clouds that seem to be hanging over this city at all times. In addition, it’s been just a wee-bit damp. We’ve already doubled the rain we had in June last year and we’ve suffered a month-long layoff from softball games as a result. This does not make me happy. Here’s to hoping July will treat us much, much better.
08) ESPN’s Biased Baseball Coverage.
– Okay, I know I’ve bitched and moaned about this before, but it drives me freakin’ batty. There are places with baseball teams other than New York, Boston, Los Angeles and Chicago. I realize that would probably be news to everyone who works at ESPN, but it’s the truth. I’ve ranted about it in the past in regards to both ESPN and the fans of these cities as well and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so.
09) Stupid Horror Movies.
– I don’t know why, but it seems like horror movies always draw huge crowds. It doesn’t matter how absolutely moronic or completely unfathomable the plot may be either, because every Monday after a big release, the newspaper will list some stupid-ass horror movie as the new number one movie in America. As such, I can’t blame the studios for cranking out shitty movie after shitty movie about kids realizing that if they die in a videogame they die in real life or some creepy gypsy casting a bank teller to hell or whatever plot the writers came up with while blitzed on Jag and cheap ditch weed. Just stop. I miss good movies. I really, really do.
10) McDonald’s Resistance to Returning the McRib to the Menu.
– You can’t duck me forever, Ronald. I’m going to find your big, goony clown-ass and I’m going to kidnap you and keep you in a damp, musty basement until you either reveal the recipe for that delicious BBQ pork patty or you agree to bring it back to the menu. So keep one big creepy clown eye looking over your shoulder at all-times, Dude. I’m coming for you.