Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | June 20, 2009

Saturdays with Bubbles

Okay…I want to make something clear before I begin today’s rant: I don’t hate everyone who comes into my library.

Sure, sure…it may seem like I’m holding a grudge against every poor soul that stumbles through our security gate, but that’s certainly not the case. There’s probably a good…oh I don’t know…let’s just say 15% of them that don’t bug me at all.

Granted, that still leaves 85% of them that warrant a swift and violent onslaught, the likes of which CNN would cover and dissect in primetime for weeks.

bubblesmcdouchenheimer…and that brings us to today’s pain in the ass, I shall call him Bubbles McDouchenheimer.

Bubbles loves to chew gum.
Bubbles loves to chew his gum really, really, really loudly.

Bubbles loves to blow bubbles with his gum.
Bubbles loves to blow bubbles really, really, really loudly.

Bubbles wants me to kill him.
Bubbles really, really, really wants me to kill him.

Up until about three weeks ago, I’d never seen Bubbles and you know what, I was cool with that. I can safely say I’d have had no problems going my entire life without ever encountering Bubbles, but alas…that’s just a pipe-dream.

Since then, however, Bubbles has become a Saturday regular. He’s one of the first three people in the doors and usually the last one out. The past three Saturdays in a row, I’ve had to basically escort his gigantic, orangutan-like ass outta the library at about 6:08pm, because our 6:00pm closing time clearly isn’t sufficient enough for his internet browsing needs.

Bubbles isn’t doing any sort of research and Bubbles isn’t an MIT student. No, no…Bubbles is just some creepy dude with facial hair almost as unfortunate as mine and a serious problem with being quiet.

In addition to Bubbles’ constant need to chew his gum like a cow, he also seems to feel overworked sitting here abusing our free internet because he lets out these long, deep sighs every minute or so.

They are the really annoying, passive-aggressive kind heard in cubicles all-around the country. The kind that says “I’m so overworked; my life is so rough, if only someone would appreciate me and all that I do.”

I guess I was unaware how taxing it could be to sit on your ass in an air conditioned library while you surf the interwebs for the latest celebrity gossip and chew gum like a jackass.

My bad, Bubbles…I didn’t realize how hard you had it.

You just go ahead keep on chompin’ away at that gum and I’ll keep sharpening my hunting knife here at the circulation desk. I’m sure we’ll find some sort of reasonable way to handle this situation.



  1. I wonder how long it will be until I see the headline “Library Employee Heinously Murders Patron” on the front of the Metro?


    • It’ll only make the Metro if they find the body 😉


  2. The sound of someone cracking their gum makes me want to punch them very very hard.


  3. i like that his name is bubbles, which makes him sound like this happy-go-lucky guy with a spring to his step. i’d venture to say this guy has no spring to any of his movements.


    • No…he is very sloth-like in all of his movements. Slow, deliberate and kind of awkward. At least that will make him easy to slay…


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