Last night, following a big win for my slow-pitch softball team, some friends and I wandered over to MIT’s famed Muddy Charles Pub, lovingly referred to as “The Muddy,” for a few adult beverages.
For anyone who has never had the privilege of spending an evening at the Muddy, I can sum it up for you quite briefly…it feels like you’re drinking in your grandparents den, for dirty-dirt cheap.
Like seriously, we’re talking about pitchers for $6 and individual cups of beer for as cheap as $1.50. As a result of the rock-bottom prices, people tend to find themselves feeling quite generous at the Muddy and will often purchase multiple rounds for the entire table.
Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to a feeling of guilt or remorse amongst those who aren’t paying (note: this feeling generally dissipates after the fifth or sixth beer). As such, people will often attempt to repay whoever purchased the pitcher. This situation has occurred far too many times and I’ve written—and recently updated—an official document that outlines the appropriate response for this situation.
So without any further adieu, I present to y’all…the Muddy Reimbursement Doctrine. Read it carefully, I can almost guarantee this will come in handy at some point.
Muddy Reimbursement Doctrine
In accordance with all drunken Muddy rules, the Muddy Reimbursement Doctrine (orig: 1874, rev: 1923, 1961, 1985, 2001, 2004, 2008) sets forth the official guidelines for reimbursement practices and procedures.
In many cases a drinkee (heretofore known as “Drunky McDrunkerson”) will purchase a pitcher to be shared amongst all present parties. In said situation, Drunky McDrunkerson assumes all monetary responsibility for the adult beverages purchased.
Amendment (1923): Only in a situation where the entire party (heretofore known as “lots of drunk library-folk”) agrees in advance to group purchases and/or splitting of the proverbial bill does this rule not apply.
Amendment (1961): If Drunky McDrunkerson purchases a lower quality beverage (heretofore known as “Budweiser” and/or “shitty-cheap beer”) and the rest of the table rebukes his/her decision Drunky McDrunkerson is not allowed to bitch and moan, but rather is obligated to drink the pitcher his/herself and develop better taste in beer.
In situations where a person or persons attempt(s) to reimburse Drunky McDrunkerson for the aforementioned purchase, this person(s) (heretofore known as “Guilty McDrinker”) can expect to immediately receive the following:
– A stern look from Drunky McDrunkerson
– A rebut about how “they can get it next time” and “it’s all cool”
– A second stern look, this one slightly more glazed over and loopy
– A warning about how Drunky McDrunkerson won’t take your money
Once the previous steps have been taken the final action is for Guilty McDrinker’s money—which has most likely been slipped into a coat pocket of Drunky McDrunkerson—to be returned via Pony Express.
Amendment (1985): Money is to be returned via Western Union.
Amendment (2001): Money is to be returned via intercampus mail
Amendment (2004): Money is to be returned via online bank transfer.
Amendment (2008): Money is to be returned via PayPal account.
All of these rulings and amendments are deemed proper and just by the Muddy Buddy Committee of 1874 and all other governing bodies related to the Muddy, beer, money and/or any combination of all three.