Faithful Readers, you have been duped.
That’s right folks, your fourth favorite blogger from Iowa did not actually survive “No Meat Week” unscathed.
I know, I know…I can feel your disappointment from here. But please, fight the urge and refrain from immediately scrolling to the bottom and posting a livid comment about the deception and treachery.
Just take a second and take a few deep breaths to cope with what you’ve learned and I’ll continue.
(…are you breathing?!)
(…feels a little better now, doesn’t it?!)
(…can you carry on without overreacting?!)
(…okay, let’s do this.)
Now before you go jumping to conclusions or painting mental images of me chowing down on copious amounts of cheeseburgers or devouring a mountain of thick-cut, smoky bacon…let me explain what actually happened.
I went into “No Meat Week” with every intention of winning. I stayed true to the course and at no point broke down and actually ate meat…per se.
What I did do, was take one of my One-a-Day multivitamins, like I do every day. You know…because you’ve all seen examples of how I eat (here and here) and I think it’s safe to say I can stand to pick up a few extra vitamins and minerals here and there.
Anyway, so I took my multivitamin and carried on with “No Meat Week” not thinking anything of it. As you all know—thanks in part to my braggadocios post regarding my victory day meat marathon—and general word of mouth, I was eventually victorious.
That is until the other day when I was grabbing my multivitamin bottle out of the cupboard and for some reason unbeknownst to me…I decided to read the ingredients. I read through all of the various big words that mean little or nothing to me, such as Cyanocobalamin and Ergocalciferol. And then I got to a tiny little excerpt at the bottom that read:
Contains: Fish (cod, pollock, haddock, hake, cusk, redfish) and Soy.
I thought to myself, “well golly-gee, that’s weird that these have fish in ‘em…” and I left the bathroom to go get some breakfast. No more than thirty-seconds later, it actually hit me what I’d just read and I stormed back into the bathroom and dug the bottle out to read it again…Contains: Fish!!!
I let out a tiny yelp, like a dog that’s just be hit in the ribs by a door that opened too quickly and dropped down to my knees on the living room carpet knowing full-well that I had to admit to not only Grace, but to each and every one of my Faithful Readers that I’d lost “No Meat Week.”
You see, Faithful Readers, much like George Washington, Jim Carrey in “Liar, Liar” and Jose Canseco whenever there’s a video camera around…I cannot tell a lie, only the cold hard truth.
And the truth is…I lost “No Meat Week.” Worse than that, I lost “No Meat Week” within the first ten minutes that I was awake that day. I woke up. I peed. I went to the kitchen got a glass of water and took my multi-vitamin and then got breakfast and carried on with my day.
Beyond that I carried on with my week. I didn’t eat any meat for seven whole days, but it didn’t matter because I was technically ingesting meat every day anyway.
Luckily, when I broke the news to Grace today—at Midwest Grill—she handled it pretty well and offered to pay for my meal anyway. She said that I’d held up my end of the bargain by not eating any real meat and she knows I wasn’t getting the same enjoyment out of a One-a-Day that I would have been from a steak sandwich, so it was all cool.
For anyone out there keeping score: Grace 1,000,000,000 – Every Other Girlfriend Ever – 0
Granted, she may have been so willing to let it slide because she now knows that I did, in fact, purchase Grace a two-year subscription to “Lucky” back before the contest even began.
Not because I thought for one second that I would lose, mind you…but because I’m a pretty cool dude. Plus I figured it’d make for a nice consolation prize when it was all said and done.
Anyway, there you have it…my secret shame is now out in the open for the entire world to see… I did not win “No Meat Week.”
I lost ten minutes into it…thanks to a f’n multivitamin!! Once again, my attempts to be healthy have wronged me. Now I know and the next time—if there is a next time—that Grace ropes me into some sort of ridiculous challenge like this, I shall survive entirely on water, lettuce and Funyuns!!
…or I’ll just cave at the first sight of a cheeseburger and cut my losses.