Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | May 16, 2009

My Ruined Morning (Part Three: The Facilities Dude)


(continued from Part Two)

…and I’m left to wait for the facilities guy who said he’d show up “as soon as he can.” So there I sit at the desk, watching my gym, shower and lunch time quickly dissolving…

[40 Minutes Pass Before the Facilities Dude Arrives]

Before I can even say anything, he starts barking out orders.

Facilities Guy: “Show me the window. Tell me how many windows are broken. Are they shattered or just cracked?! Do you have replacement windows or do I need to go find ‘em?!”
Tired & Hungry: “None of them are broken.”

–He Stops In His Tracks and Gives Me a Death-Glare–

Facilities Guy: “Then what the hell am I doin’ up here?!”
Tired & Hungry: “They’re not broken…they just need to be re-screwed.”
Facilities Guy: “Screwed?! Who screws a window shut?!”
Tired & Hungry: “We do…so hackers can’t get on the roof.”
Facilities Guy: “That’s working out real well, ain’t it?! HAHAHAHA…”

We finally get to the window and for some reason he still can’t grasp the concept of how and/or why we’d screw them shut. He recommends to me that we just turn the latch so that it’s locked. At which point I politely tell him that MIT students are generally smart enough to figure out how to turn a latch.

Eventually—after he tells me all about how long he’s worked at MIT—he finally gets around to doing what he was called up here to do (aside from destroy my morning free time) and goes to re-screw the window, except all he does is take the screw that was on the floor and screw it back into the hole it came out of with a hand-held pocket screwdriver. Afterwards he declares it “good as new.”

Yeah…they managed to get out the window that was drilled shut and painted over all the latches and screws…but you putting that one back in with a little twist of your pocket doohickey…yeah, that’ll keep ‘em at bay!!

Upon walking out, Facilities Dude proceeds to tell me that he’s going to get paid for a full hour for the 18 seconds he spent “remedying” our situation. He also bitches about what a pain it was to come all the way up to Barker, because he’d already been on the fourth floor but had gone all the way back down to the basement.

It’s five floors.

In an elevator!!

On the bright-side things keep getting better. He told me how much he hates Barker, much like the cop, because it’s round and he gets confused. He said that the dome should open up and it’s not as cool as the Vatican.

How the hell do you respond to that?!

“Why yes, you’re right random facilities guy…the dome should open up…we’ll get RIGHT on that!! And we’ll do our best to spit shine it so we’re right on par with the Vatican…”

Jebus Cripes!

Although his parting words were my favorite:

Facilities Guy: “So…did you graduate from here?”
Tired & Homicidal: “No, I just work here…”
Facilities Guy: “Ah…that’s too bad, we’ll not everyone can hack MIT. Community Colleges are nice too…”

…and then he left. Just like that. Leaving me with exactly fifteen minutes to run off in search of food. The shower was out. The gym was definitely out. It was food or nothing and even that had to be fast…

(to be continued)


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