Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | May 16, 2009

The Douche-Off Pt.1


Right now there are two dudes on the public computers who appear to be having an official “Douche-Off.”

For those of my Faithful Readers who have never witnessed a Douche-Off, let me explain. Basically two guys—generally unlikeable in their own right—end up in a small area together. One of these guys will say or do something that agitates the other guy. As a result, the other guy will retaliate by doing something equally as annoying back at him.

This activity goes back and forth until one of them has “Out-Douched” his foe or until I get sick and f*@#ing tired of witnessing it and retaliate by giving them both the boot or violently bludgeoning them both to death with a book on the principles of biomechanics.

It started out with Douche One coming in and immediately setting up camp on one of the computers. He proceeded to be one of those people who mumbles under his breath about anything and everything.

He also keeps looking over his shoulder at me, because he thinks he is super sly and I’m unaware that he’s just cruising Facebook and Craigslist…only further proving he’s a douche because who in their right mind would be inside a stuffy library on a gorgeous day like today?! A douche-bag, that’s who!

Douche One also made it a point to mumble something at an audible level when I opened my Rockstar. Something about no drinks in a library…which was just about enough for me to walk over there and punch him in the throat, but I digress, this one isn’t about me…it’s about the “Douche-Off.”

So Douche One has firmly established his role. He’s doing a fine job and keeping most people at bay. Then in walks Douche Two. Douche Two is bold and brash and brazen and couldn’t care less about Douche One’s mumbling.

No, no…Douche Two will not be intimidated…he saunters right in beside Douche One and immediately starts smacking his gum as loudly as any human can (while doing his best to conceal the fact that he’s here to troll MySpace).

So Douche One—clearly upset by someone upping the doucheage—begins mumbling about it.

And then Douche Two chews louder.

And so on and so on and so on…

They are neck and neck. Either one could walk away with the victory when suddenly Douche One gets up and walks off.

Douche Two thinks he’s won, and quiets down with the chewing. His mini-celebration is short-lived, however, as he turns to see Douche One coming back with a cup of water to loudly slurp.

This is where your disgruntled narrator steps in and politely reminds Douche One that there are no beverages without lids in the library. Your disgruntled narrator (heretofore known as: “our hero”) then takes a big swig from his Rockstar and smiles at Douche One.

The battle rages on…

(to be continued)


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