Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | May 8, 2009

People I May Heinously Murder: Mat “The Bat” Willmott

Matt "The Bat" Willmott crusher of softballs and souls.

Matt "The Bat" Willmott crusher of softballs and souls.

The other day my once-good friend, Mat “The Bat” Willmott (nicknamed such for his softball crushing prowess) and I were chit-chatting as we used to do when we were friends.

Near the end of our conversation, he introduced me to a little website called Sporcle.

It started simply enough, he gave me a quick little taste and had me try my luck with the baseball movies quiz.

I thought to myself, “well golly-gee, that was a swell time.”

I promptly hurried back to my cube and wasted the last half-hour of my day playing these mini trivia games.

Then I found myself playing them at home and staying up until all hours of the night in an attempt to prove that I could name all of the US Presidents or all of the state capitals.

That’s right, I’d become an addict and brought this obsession into my own home and let it destroy my sleep patterns, thus effecting me at work as well.

It got so bad I even tried to push it on Grace, so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about using Sporcle in the home. I mean come on, if she’s a user too then it’s not so bad…right?!

You’re a bad man, Mat Willmott!!

I don’t know how you could unleash this plague upon me and my home, but I guarantee you this…you’ll pay for what you’ve done to me…just as soon as I finish trying to name all of the members of the country music hall of fame!!!



  1. It seems I have failed in my life’s goal of never being on the list of people you will heinously murder, Jeremiah. But before my impending execution, I hope you will allow me a brief chance to defend myself.

    First of all, are you not enjoying yourself when Sporcling? My guess is that you are, or you wouldn’t be so addicted to it. Is introducing you to a hobby you enjoy an offense worthy of the death penalty? I think not.

    Second of all, you have to remember that I, too, was at the height of my Sporcle addiction when I turned you on to it. My mind was altered. I wasn’t in control of my body. I’ve been off the Sporcle now for a good 19 hours, and I can say looking back that it was not a good time in my life, it was not a productive time in my life, and it was not a time in my life where I’m very proud of anything I did. So I think I deserve to be cut a little slack.

    Finally, and most convincing, are you not guilty of the same offense? You threaten to heinously murder me for introducing you to Sporcle, when you yourself tried to introduce your beloved Grace to it? Your threat is hypocritical, my former friend, and frankly, I think it worthy of public outrage.

    If, after all that, you still feel the need to heinously murder me, well, you know where to find me. At home, trying to name all of the countries, constellations, Olympic host cities, and elements starting with the letter A.


  2. You are right. I see the error of my ways…as I too have been mentally corrupted by the power of Sporcle.

    My many apologies. Buy me a beer and you’re off the list!


  3. Oh, but Mat “The Bat”, if that is your real name, are you not being a hypocrite in calling your latest victim a hypocrite? Did you, or did you not introduce YOUR beloved blonde midget to this devastating addiction? Did you unlawfully take possession of her laptop and sporcle until the computer itself decided you’d had enough and cut you off?

    And on the topic of things to be proud of, why don’t you admit how pitifully few of the Oregon Trail stops you remembered? Or ways for your wagon members to die? Or even animals to shoot?

    For shame. FOR! SHAME!

    ~Concerned Citizens for the Truth


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