So I tried my hand at scalping tickets for the very first time the other day.
It did not go well.
You see, I’d purchased two tickets for last Tuesday’s Twins/Red Sox game back in December for a steal at $35 each. If you’ve never had to deal with ticket prices for games at Fenway, $35 a ticket might not sound like a steal, but believe me it is.
Anyway, so Grace and I were all set to go to the game when the rain rolled in. The game started in a rain delay and Grace and I sat underneath the right field bleachers drinking expensive cheap beer and hoping the storm would pass.
As such, the game got rescheduled for the next day at 12:35pm (Eastern Standard Time, of course). Grace, like everyone else I know, couldn’t take the day off to catch a game at Fenway so I was stuck with an extra ticket.
Initially I was worried I’d get busted for trying to scalp the ticket and miss the game altogether, but when I saw dudes scalping by the dozens, I figured I was in the clear. Unfortunately, not getting busted would be the highlight of my scalping experience.
Potential Buyer Number One
This dude looked to be in mid-40s and was dressed way too nice for a baseball game. He had on a nice black suit and was carrying a briefcase. Amusingly enough he was also sporting a very worn-out Red Sox cap. I assume he had some important meeting he couldn’t blow off and came straight from work to the stadium…you gotta respect that kinda dedication.
Cap’n Charisma: “I got one ticket…you need a ticket?”
PBN1: “Where at?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “Bleachers…”
**PBN1 walks away and promptly hands over a couple $100 bills to a different scalper for what I’m assuming was a slightly better ticket.**
Potential Buyer Number Two
This dude sucks at life. He was probably in his late-40s or early-50s, whichever age it is that dudes turn super gross and slimy. His hair was all slicked back and he was wandering around with his hairy chest doing its best to escape his sloppily-buttoned Hawaiian shirt. He was hand-in-hand with someone who could logically be his daughter but based on him randomly groping her ass, I can assume she was probably a “professional acquaintance.”
Cap’n Charisma: “I’ve got one ticket…you need a ticket?!”
PBN2: “Where at?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “Bleachers, right field.”
PBN2: “I’ll give you $20 for both of ‘em…”
**PBN2 pulls out a big wad of cash. He licks his fingers and pulls off two $10 bills for me**
Cap’n Charisma: “Yeah, I’m only selling one of ‘em.”
PBN2: “Well, I’m buying both of ‘em.”
Cap’n Charisma: “No, no…I’m only selling this one.”
PBN2: “Are you trying to hustle me?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “No, I’m just selling the one ticket. Not both of ‘em. Just this one.”
PBN2: “Come on, Kid…$20 for both of ‘em, final offer.”
Cap’n Charisma: “No, Dude…I paid $70 for these. $20 for both is robbery. Plus I’m only selling one.”
**PBN2 looks back at the girl—who could not care less about going to a game at Fenway if she tried—and then looks back at me.**
PBN2: “Who sells one ticket?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “A dude who is going to use the other one to go to the game…”
PBN2: “Come on, Kid…just sell me both tickets! I’ll give you $30 for both and you can go buy a different ticket.”
Cap’n Charisma: “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Why would I sell you both tickets for less than I paid for one of them and then have to go and buy a ticket from someone else to get into the game?!”
PBN2: “FINE…$35 for both.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Seriously?! I. AM. ONLY. SELLING. ONE. OF. THEM.”
**He takes a minute to look all huffy and pissy. I take a minute to contemplate whether or not I can get away with murder on a crowded street right before a Sox game. I assume if I wasn’t wearing a Twins jersey my odds would be significantly better.**
PBN2: “FINE…I’ll give you $7 for the one ticket.”
**I just stare at him for a second as he is counting off $7 from his wad of cash. **
Cap’n Charisma: “Ticket’s not for sale…”
**I then walked off while he huffed and puffed and cursed me out to his lady-friend.**
Potential Buyer Number Three
This dude was like 15 and clearly cutting class. He was there with a pack of like six other dudes who were also cutting class and bouncing from scalper to scalper looking for the best deal. He smelled like weed and skunky beer. He was all kinds of hammered and wearing a backwards Yankees cap. I wanted to punch him a little.
Cap’n Charisma: “You looking for a ticket?!”
PBN3: “Yeah…you got one?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Yeah, Dude…that’s why I’m out here missing batting practice.”
PBN3: “What do you want for it?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Just looking to get what I paid for it…$35.”
PBN3: “Whoa, Dude, that’s a lot.”
Cap’n Charisma: “I suppose I could for as low as $25 if that’s all you got.”
**He went for his wallet, opened it up and realized he didn’t have any cash. He then asked me the dumbest question I may have ever received from a human-being (outside of a library that is).**
PBN3: “Can you take a debit card?”
**At this point, I just walked away from the stoner and headed into Fenway.**
And that, Faithful Readers is why my first attempt at ticket scalping will go down as my lone attempt at ticket scalping.
I got blown off.
I got stuck with a douchey haggler.
I had a pothead ask me if I accepted debit cards.
I think I’m officially out of the ticket scalping business from this day forward.
Maybe next time instead of trying to sell it and recoup my investment, I’ll simply give it to a homeless person or something.
Or maybe I’ll get more friends who are willing to take the day off to join me at Fenway.
Either way, I shall scalp no more!!