Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | March 7, 2009

Library Crazies vs. Zombies


So I’ve been thinking about this for a little while now—which shows I should probably seek some counseling and/or take some vacation days—and I’m trying to decide which would be worse between two very real, very scary scenarios.

Scenario One: I’m trapped on campus when it is overrun by flesh-eating, brain-craving zombies.

Scenario Two: I’m trapped on campus when it is overrun by standard, every day library crazies.

Now I know what you’re thinking, dear Faithful Readers…come on, Dude, clearly the zombies are WAY worse.

The thing is, if you ask anyone who’s worked in a library it’s just not that simple.

Upon questioning a few co-workers it was obvious that no one could give a simple answer one way or the other.

Most people wanted to question whether or not the zombies were of the old-school nature (read: slow and dawdling) or if they were of the more modern zombie genre (read: fast and agile). There was also a lot of interest in what type of firepower would be available for fighting off the zombies.

Remember that the next time you’re bitching about a $2 library fine, the person on the other side of the desk is probably daydreaming about a world where librarians can hide a shotgun underneath the counter without fear of immediate termination. You know, for situations involving legions of the undead and/or generic fine complaints.

The questions, however, weren’t limited to the zombies and/or various forms of weaponry.

Others wanted to know what type of library crazies we’re talking about. As I’ve evidenced in the past there are a plethora of types ranging from the harmless to the flat-out insane. Needless to say, a campus full of the “technologically handicapped” is far less troublesome than a campus full of “fight pickers.” It certainly wouldn’t be any less annoying…just less troublesome.

In the end, most still chose to be surrounded by a campus full of library crazies. This decision, however, was not made without some serious thought and hesitation.

Personally, I’m still not entirely sure which way I’d lean.

As anyone who has read this blog knows, I’ve got a real problem with library crazies. Granted, I’m not necessarily too keen on large packs of the undead, either.

Especially when their one goal is to eat my brains.

Either way I’ve laid out the general pros and cons of both sects below. I’ll let you make your own personal decisions regarding which you’d prefer and I’d love to hear back from all ya’ll to find out your responses.


Easier to kill (in theory)
Often travel alone
Stand out in a crowd
Often scared by authority figures
Easily subdued by internet porn

Often confrontational
May know how to use technological devices
Killing them costs me my job
Killing them sends me to prison


You know what they want–brains
Notoriously slow
Very slow on logical reasoning
Very predictable
Stand out in a crowd
Killing them is strongly encouraged*

Often travel in packs
One can infect thousands
Very hard to kill
Super strong
Feel no pain
There’s no stopping them…ever**

* also does not result in a loss of employment or any jail time
** probably the biggest deal-breaker for most people



  1. “Legions of the undead and/or generic fine complaints.” I think I should add this to my SafeLibraries web site!!!

    “Librarians can hide a shotgun underneath the counter….” !!!!!! What’s safe about that????


  2. I think I’d rather deal with zombies than crazies. BUT only if they’re of the Old School Variety (slow and stupid). I’d pick crazies over New School Zombies (a la 28 Days Later) any day. Old School Zombies I could at least run away from, and feel like I could handle them if I had a cricket bat or one of Drew’s zombie beating sticks. Although, maybe Shaun of the Dead has made me feel too confident in my abilities to remove heads/destroy brains. But there you go.


    • Wonderful insight…as always!!


  3. […] It was a debate about what was worse Zombies or Library Crazies. […]


  4. […] countless tales from the battlefields. I’ve written some open letters. I’ve compared them to zombies. I’ve threatened their lives. I’ve included some of my equally crazy/annoying co-workers in on […]


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