These are the questions that James Lipton asks each of his guests on the show “Inside the Actor’s Studio.”
Given that I fully anticipate being world famous in the not-so-distant future, I can only assume Mr. Lipton will ask me to be on his show. It’ll probably happen after producers determine that I am the only person who can truly capture my awesomeness in the movie-version of my life, thus jump-starting my acting career.
Anyway, here is the future transcription of my appearance on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.”
What is your favorite word?
Hmmmm, my favorite word, you ask?! That’s a tough one, Mr. Lipton. I guess I’d have to say “kittywampus.” I don’t think I’ve actually used it more than a handful of times in my life…but I dig it. It’s got a nice ring to it.
Oh…oh…oh…oh…I just thought of another one. “Cocklebur!!” You know, like when you’re playing in your grove as a kid or running through the ditches or something in July when the weeds are all six feet high. Yeah, and you get all those cockleburs stuck to your pants, socks, shirt and everything else. Yeah…cocklebur, that’s a good word. Makes me giggle and reminisce.
What is your least favorite word?
My least favorite word…hands down is “cheeeekooonzzzzz.” If you’ve ever heard Ryan Gray utter this at the top of his lungs early on a Friday morning you’d understand why. The worst part is that he’s found a way to infiltrate this word into the lexicon of many-a-person, thus making the word unavoidable.
What turns you on?
A prescheduled day/night double-header with one-ticket admission for both games, yeah…that’s sweet.
Brains…but not in like, a zombie-way, but in a smarts kinda-way.
A sense of humor.
When Grace makes tuna noodle casserole….it’s soooooooo f’n good…and fatty as all hell, but I can eat an entire cake pan of that stuff in one sitting.
Super powers, preferably the ability to fly and/or be indestructible.
Great singing voices.
Anyone who thinks Colin Farrell is a douche-bag.
A great smile and/or laugh.
A distinct appreciation of Taco John’s potato olés.
What turns you off?
Spoiled folks who don’t know how to work.
The musical stylings of mid-‘90s pop/rock-band “Sugar Ray.”
Anyone possessed by a demon, like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters.
Getting kicked in the stones.
“King of the Hill.”
V8—tastes like tomato-laden death.
Garden gnomes, especially garden gnomes in places not harboring veggies…like a library!!
What sound do you love?
What sound do you hate?
The awful popping sounds my knees make. Sometimes they make the popping noises right before I collapse and/or am forced to reach out and grab things to avoid falling flat on my face. Not cool.
What is your favorite curse word?
My favorite curse word? Hands down…“fuck.” It is simply too versatile not to be my favorite.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
In no particular order…baseball player, writer/author, general manager of baseball team, professional wrestler and/or cage fighter, actor, screenwriter, blimp pilot, teacher, dude who works to promote baseball in the inner cities, advertising/marketing dude, Jennifer Aniston’s personal assistant and/or Taylor Swift groupie.
What profession would you not like to do?
Anything involving poo…
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“…bout damn time you showed up. The rest of the guys are already at the field, grab your glove and let’s go…you’re up after Puckett and Mays.”