J-E-L-L-OH HELL NO

Does anyone really eat Jell-O anymore?!

I mean, I know that the toothless community (read: really old folks and really young folks) are all about it, but does anyone with any real purchasing power actually eat this stuff?!

I saw a commercial for Jell-O last night and they’re pimping it as being all sugar-free and like ten calories or whatevs and I all can think is…who gives a rat’s ass?! It’s freakin’ Jell-O.

The last time I actually ate Jell-O was in like eighth grade or something. I can’t even remember the last time I actually ate the “homemade” version of the stuff. Hell, I can’t remember the last time I physically encountered the “homemade” kind. It’s been the little cups or nothing for years.

I still eat the pudding cups (for the infamous “Pudding Socials,” of course) every now and then, again only the stuff from the cups…but I buy those maybe once a year, at most.

So I guess my question would be…how the hell are the Jell-O folks still in business?! I mean, I can’t imagine they’re hitting up any sort of key demographic anymore. Jack Benny is long-since dead and gone. Bill Cosby has been ousted as the spokesman for years. So they don’t even have a remotely-recognizable spokesperson anymore. They’ve got random interchangeable women smiling because Jell-O is all fat-free or whatevs and fits perfectly into their diet-plan as a “(not-so) guilty pleasure.”

Seriously?!

You find me one person who is looking to lose weight who thinks to themselves…damn, I should get me some Jell-O. Nothing will help get rid of this incessant hunger and these ravenous cravings like a delicious cup-o-sugar and water.

I think not. That’s one of the reasons I stopped eating Jell-O. It never filled me up. There are few things in this world that piss a dude off more than the following scenario:

Step One: Go to the fridge in search of sustenance.
Step Two: Eat Jell-O cups.
Step Three: Repeat Step Two.
Step Four: Repeat Step Two Multiple Times.
Step Five: Realize you’ve eaten all the Jell-O.
Step Six: Realize you’re still totally hungry.
Step Seven: Flip out and destroy your fridge, because it is responsible for housing the traitorous Jell-O.
Step Eight: Purchase a new fridge…and never purchase Jell-O again.

I don’t even want to think about how much Jell-O I’d have to ingest to actually make me full. Hard to imagine that those three ounce cups couldn’t satisfy my cravings.

So take the hint Jell-O…save your advertising dollars for nursing home billboards and the outpatient rooms at dentist and orthodontist offices. Unless you cats are gonna bring Bill Cosby back into the fold or–even more impressively–re-up with Jack Benny…you need to just give up the fight. Tap out. Wave the white flag.

You hear me Jell-O?! No one in the real world is buying your crap…stop wasting your time and space in my commercial breaks.