Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | January 13, 2009

Worst Commute…EVER!! (Part Two)

So after all the bullshit I went through on the way to the grocery store, some part of me should have anticipated that things wouldn’t get any better once I actually got to the grocery store.

Let’s do this…

purchases2So there I am grabbing some syrup and some dishwashing goo and that’s when my addiction to impulse purchases takes over. Suddenly I’m in the cleaning supplies aisle and my OCD bathroom cleanliness thing rears its ugly head again and I spend nearly ten minutes browsing all of the various cleaners and air-fresheners. I snag a few air-fresheners–so the apartment doesn’t smell like dude when Grace gets back–and some toilet cleaner.

Then I realize that if I’m buying more syrup I should get some waffles too. So I’ve got two air-fresheners, a bottle of toilet bowl cleaner, some syrup, two boxes of waffles (two for $4–can‘t pass that up!!), some dishwashing goo and needless to say, my hands are a wee-bit full. So I stick the syrup and the toilet bowl bowl cleaner in my back pockets and head toward the cereal aisle, because I need some more Cap’n Crunch.

In the cereal aisle, some dude who is loading up the shelves with new boxes of Frosted Flakes sees me with stuff in my pocket and flips out. He starts yelling at me to stop and stay where I’m at. A command which I find amusing since I’m not moving anywhere, in fact I’m in the process of grabbing a box of Cap’n Crunch and trying to balance my boxes of waffles, dishwashing goo and air-fresheners at the same time. Where this dude thought I was going I don’t know.

He promptly accuses me of shoplifting. I explain to him that my arms–as is pretty freakin’ obvious–are full and I’m not stealing a darn thing. I’m just bringing them to the front of the store. He isn’t buying it. He starts talking about calling the cops and I’m trying to figure out of this dude is for real or if I’m on an episode of Punk’d. I take a gander around the cereal aisle and see no cameras and assume that this dude is legitimately bat-shit crazy. He says he’s going to get the manager and I tell him, that he can do whatever he wants, but I’m done shopping now and I’m going to go pay for my stuff and finally go home.

shoplifter003So Frosted Flakes guy follows me all the way to the front of the store and watches me like a hawk the entire time I’m up there and goes out of his way to tell every other Shaw’s employee that he caught me trying to shoplift. I tried to explain myself to the gal running the register, but she just gave me a blank “uh-huh, whatever dude” kind of look and I figured I’d be better off shutting my mouth and just leaving the store. So I did, with Frosted Flakes guy following me all the way out…you know, because I’m a threat.

I got outside and started the final leg of my walk home thinking that this can’t actually be happening. This is just too much crazy stuff in a very small timeframe. This doesn’t happen.

Then I remembered that just before I left work I picked up a tails-up penny. Dropped it. Picked it up, tails-up, a second time. Tried to flip it, dropped it again and this time it was heads-up…so I picked it up and thought nothing of it.

Now, I don’t normally believe in bad-luck. In fact, I have a distinct philosophy on luck that states: “There are only two kinds of luck. Good luck and potluck.” So I wasn’t worried about the “bad luck” that this tails-up penny might have unleashed upon me.

Just then I was getting close to my place. For anyone who has never been to my place, let me lay it out a little bit. You have to go down a small alley-way to get to my door. They have half the alley-way filled with snow and the other half is all cleared for us to walk through. Well, for whatever reason someone has pushed one of our dumpsters all the way to the end of the alley-way, blocking the cleared-out part. So I tried to step around and promptly felt my foot sink into snow.

All the way up to my knee.

Yep, snow all up in my shoe and up my pants, all the way to the freakin’ knee!!

So I sorta leap out of the snow and around the dumpster and try to stomp as much snow out of my pants and off my leg as possible. I get to the front door head inside and lock the door behind me.

I feel that I’ve earned the right to enjoy a few ice-cold Coors Lights this evening. Yeah, yeah it’s happy-hour time in my living room…unless this place randomly burns to the ground or implodes, as would be my luck today.

Here’s to hoping I survive the night.

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Responses

  1. Poor Jeremiah! The good news is that this is a hilarious story, one you can tell for years to come! 🙂

    Also, I think Friday the 13th has relocated to Tuesday.

    Like

  2. Man… I don’t even have words to express the exasperation I feel just reading about your commute… people are f-ing crazy!!

    Like


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