Being that it is—in fact—Saturday night and I am in my apartment. It would appear as though I’m going to be with Jackie and Grace. These two lovely young women are plowing away on some substantial homework and/or Facebooking (oh yeah, it’s a verb!) to their hearts’ content. I on the other hand am filling out this survey and randomly bitching to them about such things as my fantasy baseball league, laptop thievery and the declining readership of my blogs due to an abundance of baseball-related posts.
2. What woke you up this morning?
Technically, two things…as I woke up twice. The first was my alarm. I promptly unfurled myself from the covers, fought my way out of bed, grabbed my phone and turned the alarm off before turning to bed. Roughly ten minutes later Jackie was leaving to go get milk for my birthday breakfast and the loud, metal-on-metal sound our deadbolt makes woke me up for the second and final time.
3. If you took a drug test would you pass it?
Of course, the only things you’d find in my system would be GHB (gotta build up a tolerance) and cattle steroids. Farmers like their cows to be big and meaty as to make some yummy, yummy beef and I like my big, manly arms to equally as big and meaty as evidence by my recent six-page spread in GQ.
4. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
Well tomorrow night is a Sunday night and that generally means I’ll be planted in front of the television watching Sunday Night Football and enjoying some well-chilled adult beverages. This is all part of my game plan to increase my overall “dudeitude” by increasing my appreciation and understanding of football. I’ve got a pretty solid grasp on the game (thank you, John Madden) and I moderately appreciate it (thank you, three straight Fantasy Football Championships) but I have yet to really become a fan. Luckily, in Boston its pretty much impossible not to have the Patriots crammed down your throat 24/7, so that helps a bit.
5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Why yes indeedy I did. Then I got a big lecture about how you can’t just do that to anyone you want and people on the subway aren’t your friends and blah, blah, blah…litigation is still pending, I’m untouchable bitches!
6. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Does a bus count as a car? Do we mean automobile or do we specifically mean a car? Like…would a pick-up truck or a van or perhaps even an SUV be disqualified from this scenario? If a bus is legal…then the last person I rode with was a bunch of scary Southie people. Oh wait…what about a Subway car? Does that count?! Again…more scary Southie people. If we’re talking a straight up car…then I guess it’d be Angie. She’s like a chauffer…don’t tell her I said that though…or she’ll make me ride in the trunk again.
7. How many myspace accounts do you have?
I’ve got one. Turns out that I neither have a band or multiple personality disorder…so I’m pretty much set with the one that I rarely use or look at.
8. What was your first thought this morning?
“That can’t be my alarm…aw shit…it IS my alarm. Maybe if I ignore it Grace will turn it off………………………………….DAMN…she’s not turning it off. Why are my feet so tangled in the blankets? Son of a bitch, that alarm is getting really annoying. Seriously…why does Grace have all the blankets, yet I’m tangled in them?! I’m so confused. Where am I?! Ah…I’m free. F’n Alarm!!”
9. Do or did you like school?
I agree with Ms. Quick…I liked school a lot. I was really good at school, not Lindsey Quick good, but good nonetheless. I sorta feel like it’d be nice to go back and do college again. Not now, b/c everyone would think I was creepy for living in the dorms and hitting on freshman…but like a go back in time thing. I hated homework though. I couldn’t stand coming home at the end of the day and not being free to do what I wanted. That freedom is a big reason why me and the working world get along so well. Part of me thinks I’ll go back to grad school some day and part of me thinks I can manage with what I’ve got. We’ll see how all that turns out…
10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
I suppose so, I mean I’d prefer to take a massage or a solid high-five for someone, but I’m good in the bullet department too. The way I figure it, my left lung is pretty much overrated anyway and every time someone gets shot in the movie, they tend to bounce back and kick some major ass…I’m all about the bouncing and the kicking.
11. Where would you like to live?
I would like to live somewhere with some major rent control. Like—you know—so that rent topped out at like $200/month per person and people could afford to work and pay rent and pay bills and still have money to save and/or live with, not just enough extra income to buy a few beers every now and then.
12. Do long distance relationships work?
I’ve never tried a long distance relationship for any longer than a few months. Unless you count that thing with the Russian chick who keeps emailing me and telling me that she just needs another $5000 wired to her account so she can come and join me in the US…but I think she loves me…I’m not totally sure my Russian is a little shaky.
13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Well past my midlife crisis, preparing for the final year of my 20s and probably scared shitless wondering what I’ve done with the last decade or so of my life.
…and I’ll have a kitty.
15. Who is your number one on myspace?
Johnathon Kunkel, esquire
16. Who do you wish you were with right now?
Under some flood lights playing some slow-pitch softball with friends and enjoying some cold libations and a lot of good-spirited rabblerousing to boot.
17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
Let’s see on MySpace it was the lovely Miss Elissa Derby of Dewey Library and all-around awesomeness fame.
On Facebook it appears as though it was the one and only, the living legend, the human highlight reel…Grace Mlady.
PS: Grace enjoys when she is described by the same monikers as pro wrestlers. Call her the “Macho Woman” or “Hacksaw Grace Mlady” sometime…she loves it. Trust me.
Well, when I find myself blogging on a frequent basis, I often check MySpace two to three times a day to see how many people have been peeping (that’s gangsta for “looking at”) my blog. The recent trade of increased baseball blogging leading to decreased readership, however, has greatly dampened my desire to log into MySpace. Although there was a very friendly man named Pork-Chop who wanted to befriend me the other day, apparently, he is finishing up a stint at the Massachusetts State Penitentiary and would like to meet up for some beers and a chit-chat about the prospects in the Pittsburgh Pirates farm system. So I suppose logging into MySpace hasn’t been all bad lately.
19. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?:
Well, that’s going to depend on the situation. If I’m at work and I’m talking dirty to a co-worker, you know who you are (Ryan)…well then I’m going to prefer that it’s via IM otherwise people are going to think I’m kinda creepy.
If Grace has decided she’s dumping me and running off with some dude whose interests extend beyond baseball, beer and Jim Carrey…well then she’s kind of a douche-bag for breaking up with me via either medium…but I guess I’d prefer phone. That way she’d have to listen to me whimpering and not just get the implication from an emoticon.
If I were chit-chatting about baseball with someone—most likely a Kunkel—I’d be okay with doing it either way.
If I’m having some sort of sordid phone/IM sex, I’d prefer to do that over the phone. Phone sex is weird enough, but let’s be honest typos could make things far more awkward. Imagine this:
iowaDUDE: Hey there foxy lady…
KaNDyKaNe: wut up shooger
iowaDUDE: Huh? Oh, sugar…you mean to say sugar.
KaNDyKaNe: ur hawt
iowaDUDE: Do you mean hot? Wait…I don’t have a web cam…
iowaDUDE: How can you see me? Are you a warlock?
KaNDyKaNe: i want u so bad
iowaDUDE: Um, okay, I’ll just roll with it.
iowaDUDE: What are you wearing?
KaNDyKaNe: a Viking helmet
iowaDUDE: Intriguing…like the oft-underachieving football team or the Nordic invaders?
iowaDUDE: Nevermind, it sounds like you’re dressed like Flava-Flav.
KaNDyKaNe: Yeah and I’ve got a cock too.
KaNDyKaNe: wut wrong?
iowaDUDE: I like ladies.
KaNDyKaNe: oh! clock I have got a CLOCK too!!
iowaDUDE: Oh…like Flava-Flav. That makes more sense.
KaNDyKaNe: i could have both if that does it for you
—iowaDUDE has left the conversation—
20. How many car accidents have you been in?
I can think of roughly five accidents. One was real bad. One was pretty bad. Two were kinda sucky, but nothing outlandish and one was just a little bump and go action by some crazy old lady. Luckily, I’ve yet to be driving during any of these and that, my friends and random passersby, is because I am a driver of the highest order. Long story short, I rock behind the wheel of an automobile.
21. Do you listen to music every day?
Why yes, yes I do. In our bathroom I’ve installed a nice lil’ clock-radio for when I’m in the shower or getting ready in the mornings, a brotha gotsta have his morning talk radio. It also makes a good cover for when you’ve got to take a poo. Think about it, you’ve just eaten some bad, bad Italian food all systems are go for lift-off and in the hallway your two roommates sit discussing the merits of Foucault’s early works. What better way to avoid the awkwardness than cranking up some of the sweet melodic sounds of Taylor Swift’s “Tear Drops on My Guitar?” Aw yeah.
Oh and I’ve got an iPod that I listen to on the morning and evening commutes as well as my computer at work which is always blasting the biggest and best hits of the yesterday, today and tomorrow! K-GRAVES FM
I do. Not to nearly the same magnitude as I once did, largely because most parents would call the police if they saw a six foot tall SpiderMan wandering around the streets with a plastic bag full of Snickers and Baby Ruth bars.
23. What was the last thing you ate?
Some delicious chocolate birthday cake! Aw yeah!
24. Are you a fast typer?
I am a pretty fast typer. I mean, I’m no Mavis Beacon or anything, but I’m pretty fast. The problem is when someone asks how fast I can type or I’m actually being timed…then I start f’n up like crazy and making more errors per minute than actual words and that, my friends, is quite the disappointing blow to the ego.
25. How many speeding tickets do you have?
I’ve only ever received one speeding ticket; which was a total joke, by-the-by. The dude clocked picked me out because it was blatantly a college kid’s car, despite the fact that I was merely keeping up with the flow of traffic around me. Granted the rest of the traffic around me consisted of large Ford F-150 pick-up trucks and semis, turns out cops aren’t real eager to flip on the cherries and hunt down vehicles that come with a gun-rack option. However, a green Grand Am flying down the highway…now that’s a prime cut of USDA Grade-A ticket material. The worst part is, the young woman in the car with me…we’ll call her Jodi Boyd…mostly because that is her name…is fairly well-endowed in the boobacular region. The officer and his wandering eyes were very well aware of this. Had JoJo been willing to show just the slightest bit of skin, I’d have probably gotten off with a warning…but NOOOOOO! Jodi’s all “I’m not a hooker” or some other lame line like that and badda-bing-badda-boom…speeding ticket. I’ve narrowly avoided speeding tickets that I should have received about three other times, but none of those stories involved me flashing boobs…just a big, confused Iowan grin…which apparently is just as effective.
26. What are you doing tonight?
Well it appears as though I’m filling out this survey and contemplating what to do after that. Perhaps I’ll play a videogame. Perhaps I’ll write a blog. Perhaps I’ll read a book. It is, however, only 9:00pm as I write this and both of my roommates appear to be ready to hit the hay for the evening. Thus making me think, perhaps I should have made other plans. These English nerds are killing me, but I love ‘em.
27. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
That sounds vaguely like most of my Mondays. I suppose if I didn’t have to do laundry or get groceries like I usually do on Mondays…I’d sleep in really late…we’re talking like 8:30, maybe 9:00…b/c I’m soooooo bad-ass like that. Then I’d probably head to McDonalds and devour a delicious McGriddle sammitch. After that I’d probably want to play some slow-pitch softball or some flag football…oh wait…oh a whole day to myself, nevermind. I guess I’d hit the gym…so I could do something physical. I’d move around some equipment until I’d either gotten a sufficient work-out or angered the painter for messing around with his scaffolding and then I’d maybe walk around the Common for awhile or go shopping for some new t-shirts or a new pair of cleats or something. I’d hit up Taco Bell (due to the lack of Taco John’s) for lunch. Then I guess I’d head check my baseball websites and Facebook and stuff. I’d probably rip off a ranting blog about how I waste me days off by blogging and eating fast food. Then I guess I’d drink some beers and play a video game…unless there was a baseball or football game on…then I’d probably watch that. I’d probably do what I usually do when I’m alone and take about 200 swings in the living room with my baseball bat. Then at some point I’d probably order pizza or a sub for supper and watch another sporting event or a show of my liking and then at some point, I’d call it a night. Wow…that sounds really lonely and boring. Oh that’s right…it sounds like ALL of last January. *sigh* Thank God I have friends here now.
28. Is anything bothering you?
My neck is killing me. My back is killing me. My knees are really, really sore lately. I’ve got a bit of a sore throat and I blew out the right side of my brown shoe the other day, so now I need to go snag a new pair of shoes and/or wintery-type boot things. Oh and it’s 9:14pm on a Saturday and I’m sitting at home doing this, my roommates are about to pass out and I feel kinda like I’m 44 instead of 24.
29. Do you miss someone?
I miss a lot of people. I miss my family a lot and I miss The Boys a lot. I miss a bunch of my other friends too. Oh and I really miss my cat. I know that’s super lame and probably makes me fodder for physical and verbal abuse at the hands of large Irish-bred men on the streets of Southie, but whatevs…I miss my kitty, bitches!
30. What do you want to do right now?
I’d kinda like to get paid for writing about baseball. At the same time, I’d also like to find some inspiration to just keep writing in general. I miss writing, but I seem to only find enough enthusiasm and drive to fill out these stupid things or blog about random nothingness or write about baseball. I’ve got like eight-million half-written stories and blogs and surveys and whatever else because half-way through I just think “Meh…it’s not that good.” And then I give up on it. That’s kinda lame. I just wish I had the motivation to sequester myself away somewhere and pound away at the keys until some of the stuff in my head ends up in front of me in a wonderful array of Times New Roman, size 12, double-spaced glory.
31. Are you listening to music right now?
I recently sampled some of my bad-ass MySpace song… “Hello World” by Belle Perez. It’s only further proof that my ass should probably be handed to me on a far more frequent basis by large, inexplicably angry men with goatees and tattoos they don’t remember receiving due to a combination of alcohol, horse tranquilizers and barbiturates.
32. Are you in a good mood?
Hmmmmmm…well I am, in fact, a Sagittarius. What does that mean you ask?! Well let me supply you with this entire rant on we Sagittarians that I’ve recently stolen from some astrology web-site…
For you, friend Sagittarius, life is – at least most of the time – the proverbial bowl of cherries. It’s hard for you to take it seriously, even during the worst of times. You don’t like sitting still, and would far rather be out and about than enclosed within four walls. But if for any reason your body can’t be on the move, your mind will take its place. You can jump from having fun to considering serious matters and back again, all in a matter of minutes. Yet when serious matters do crop up and need to be handled, you take care of them quickly and efficiently – so that you can get back to what you do best: enjoying life. For this reason, you attract a lot of friends, who want nothing more than to hop on your bandwagon.
Your curiosity is boundless. From complex intellectual puzzles to wondering why a joke is funny, you want to know the answers to all. The most interesting conundrum for you, however, is people: Why isn’t everyone just as upbeat as you are? Yet when you do hit one of the brick walls that life often throws into our path, you can be as melancholy as anyone else – and God help anyone who tries to cheer you up! Still, you usually snap back quickly – and are off on another adventure, learning about the world. Keep it up!
33. What are you doing this weekend?
Well it’s my Friday night…so apparently, I’m spending Friday night as a big nerd. Tomorrow I’m going to call the family (as is the Sunday norm), then I’m hitting up the gym for a little pumpage of the iron and some racquetball and then I plan to spend the remainder of the day watching football, playing videogames and drinking the aforementioned beverages of an adult nature. As far as Monday (read: my Sunday) I’ll probably do some laundry and try to finish the book I’ve been reading. I might wander into the city to do some Christmas shopping, we’ll see—I think I want to get some Taco Bell too. I haven’t had Taco Bell in like two months or something.
34. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
I’ve been talking to Jackie and Grace off-and-on during my writing endeavors, but they are both quite focused on their aforementioned scholastic endeavors. Thus the clashing of the endeavors has been taking place and, as such, they aren’t big on the chit-chat this fine evening.
35. When were you the saddest in your life?
Wow, that’s all kinds of a question; probably the first half of my senior year of high school. If for no better reason than I was going way out of my way to be someone I wasn’t and instead I was a huge douche-bag and wasted a lot of time that I should have been spending with my friends.
Oh…or last January, when I was in Boston all alone, pretty much all month and I really hadn’t made any friends at work yet. It was a long, sad, lonely month. I don’t think that will be the case this January.
Nope, just the one for me and its pretty bad-ass if I do say so myself and…wait…what’s that? Oh…it turns out I do—in fact—say so myself. Aw yeah!
37. Do you use EBay to buy or sell?
My eBay adventures haven’t been kind to me. I feel as though I’ve mentioned them in this same conversational forum before. It was back in the summer of 2000. The internet had just found its way into my home. My lil’ brother, affectionately known as G-Doggy, was an eBay machine. He was buying and selling car-audio parts at a pace that was dizzying to say the least and bat-shit crazy to say the most. For a dude without a real job and no credit card, he had quite the system working. One day I asked him to make three purchases for me. He bid on the book “Have a Nice Day” by professional wrestling Mick Foley; which I won for the tidy fee of $3 plus shipping and handling. He bid on a pair of real wrestling boots, but came up short in the bidding war. (No questions about the wrestling obsession folks) And finally, he bid on a Christina Aguilera World Tour t-shirt; which he won for the handsome price of $8 plus shipping and handling. The book arrived and I spent the better part of the summer plowing through it and the t-shirt was a no-show and I was out nearly $12, to this day I hold a bitter, bitter grudge against eBay. In fact, I haven’t been back since.
38. What makes you mad?
I don’t like when people talk down to me. It happens a lot at work and that really bothers me. Not people I work with, they’re great. I’m okay with the fact that I don’t have any kind of fancy education and I’m okay with the fact that I was poor for a long time, but I’m not okay with other people looking down their noses at me for that or any other reason.
I’ve had more than a few run-ins with people who think they’re really funny when they make jokes about my brother or even handicapped people in general and nothing makes me want to rip some cocky little fuckers spine out through his throat more than that. Spoiled little assholes who get off by have their jerkoff little piss-ant friends cackle like hyenas when they make fun of the kid in the wheelchair. Yeah…that shit makes me mad.
I also don’t like the people at the airport who bitch about having to go through security and who piss and moan about how long everything takes. If they’d take like, 12 seconds out of their obviously super-busy schedule to look around they’d realize they’re not being singled out, as it turns out everyone has to go through the same bullshit. Get over it, you whiny little pricks. Take off your f’n penny loafers and throw them in the basket. No, no you can’t keep your change in your pocket…yes, yes your laptop has to come out of the bag. I know this is such a pain in the ass isn’t it. Now you’re going to be late for your two and a half hour pre-flight sit on your ass. Damn. Life is hard, good thing you’re here to tell us all about how hard it is. Zip your lip, put a smile on your face and go hit up the airport bar for a nice $12 beer like the rest of us.
I hate when people turn or change lanes without signaling. There’s a lever in your car with on purpose. That purpose being to turn on lights that signal which direction you intend to use your car. Yet, some how tons of people—and the entire state of Minnesota—seem to be absolutely baffled by not only the lever, but what its purpose is. Now in Iowa, we learned about it in drivers’ education. We were tested on it when went to get our official driver’s license. And you know what, that all worked out pretty well for the state of Iowa. Everyone else…follow our example.
39. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Yes…perhaps you’ve heard of it. It was originally title “867-5309 – Graves” but apparently Tommy Tutone thought it wouldn’t be nearly as well received if he was signing a song to another dude. I was just confused because it wasn’t my phone number…oh and I didn’t know who Tommy Tutone was…I guess that was a little weird too. In the end, he switched it up and went with the name Jenny instead and I guess that all worked out okay for him.
40. Have you ever sang in public?
Yes, back in the day (I can say that now that I’m ancient)…in the concerts that we’d be forced to sing in until like fifth grade or something. I remember in third grade, country music was hot. I’m talking scorching ladies and gentlemen. Billy Ray Cyrus was America’s heartthrob, Brooks and Dunn’s “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” was becoming a new blue collar anthem and Garth Brooks was about as close to God as you could get while wearing a five gallon hat. As such, I took our third grade Christmas concert— and our stirring rendition of “Oh Christmas Tree”—as my big shot at Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry. Video evidence would show me swaying back in forth, in my little sweater vest and white trash afro, as a belted out the tune with full-on arm motions ala Reba McIntire. Needless to say, I didn’t make it to Nashville .
41. What songs make you happy?
Belle Perez – “Hello World”
Travis Tritt – “Great Day to Be Alive”
Sawyer Brown – “Some Girls Do”
Kenny Chesney – “Beer in Mexico”
…let’s be honest, the list goes on and on; much of it including music that will and/or should result in an endless stream of verbal abuse from both friends and strangers alike.
42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
Hmmmmm…usually I like to go to bed when I’m really tired, otherwise I end up flat on my back staring at the ceiling for hours. The only noises I can hear are just that—noises—and as such, they aren’t even remotely viable sources of soothing, calming, or melodic tones. Rather they are the sounds of buses screeching to a halt at stoplights, drunken Irish neighbors threatening the lives of party guests and/or airplanes coming and gone through the wee-hours of the night.
I do, however, really like to have a fan on when I’m going to bed. That is quite soothing and tends to help me conk right out.
43. Do you have a job?
Pending the results of all current and future filings and litigation regarding sexual harassment—yes, yes I do!
I’ve seen Legally Blonde like a dozen times, bitches, I’m unstoppable in front of a jury.
44. What does your iPod have on it right now?
45. How many close friends do you have?
I don’t have a ton of close friends. I’d say I probably have about half-a-dozen really close friends. Which is about right, if someone thinks they have a whole bunch of close friends…the truth is that they probably have a bunch of good friends and few if any close friends. I like that I know the difference.
46. What makes you happy?
My life and all of the people and stuff that go along with it.
47. One wish?
I don’t necessarily want to be rich or anything stupid like that, but I’d like for money to be less of an issue. I wish I could go and visit my friends without having to think about the number of sick days I can take off or how much a plane ticket would cost. I’d love to do a cross-country road trip with the boys, but I know that because of money it’ll probably never happen…
I think everyone has. If you’re not scared, you’ve got nothing worth losing.
*EDIT* It just occurred to me that I think I just stole that line from Grey’s Anatomy. *sigh*
49. Next concert?
Not sure. I don’t hit up a lot of concerts. They’re fun and all, but my theory is as follows. You like a band for their music and how they sound. You can hear them on the radio or a CD. When you go to a concert you’re paying to SEE them play. Lots of live music sucks because it gets drowned out by the crowd. Plus it’s more about the visual aspect than the auditory which is why you like the band in the first place.
I realize most people will disagree and some Music Snob freaks would even call me the anti-Christ over that lil theory, but that’s just how I feel.
50. Name one song that explains your current life.
Wow…I don’t have nearly the ambition or drive to even put thought into that one at this point, I’ve been working on this bad-boy for nearly two hours now, so I’m going to go ahead and stick with the song that’s popped up like 43 times in this little ditty already…that’s right, ladies and gents… “Hello World” by Belle Perez!! Aw suki-suki!!