Come one…come all. Gather round and I’ll tell you the story of Orgasmic Mello Yello. Some of you have been witness to the power and sweet, sweet delight that is Orgasmic Mello Yello. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the heavenly delight that is Mello Yello let me get you cued up with a little diddy from the world’s most reputable source…Wikipedia.
“Mello Yello is a caffeinated, citrus flavored soft drink produced and distributed by the Coca-Cola Company. It was introduced in 1979 to compete with PepsiCo’s Mountain Dew. While it is greatly outsold by Mountain Dew, the product nonetheless allows Coca-Cola to have a presence in the citrus soft drink market segment.”
Basically the best way to picture it is this. Close your eyes and imagine The Rolling Stones making love to a bottle a of Kristal and the offspring that would be produced is a combination of wonderfullness and sweet, sugary yummers all mashed together with crack-cocaine and a Hydrox (not Oreo) McFlurry*…yeah…it’s that f’n good.
Now, don’t get me wrong. You can’t just drink any Mello Yello and have it declared “Orgasmic.” In fact, there is only one place on planet Earth that you can go to find Orgasmic Mello Yello and that is the Pizza Ranch in Spencer, Iowa.
Every year approximately 65 million** people make the trek to the Pizza Ranch in Spencer to sample the sweet, sweet ambrosia that is Orgasmic Mello Yello. Many rumors persist surrounding the source of this once-in-a-lifetime beveraging experience here are some of the most common…
-The soda fountain at Pizza Ranch was once owned by Zeus, before he switched to a low-sugar diet and sold it on ebay where it was then purchased by store manager Gene O’Dell for $245…$100 cheaper than retail.
-Every night Mello Yello gnomes emerge from the basement of Pizza Ranch and create the magical beverage by getting blitzed on Jagermeister and urinating into the machine.
-The Mello Yello distributed from the Spencer Pizza Ranch is all from the first batch of Mello Yello created in a lab 500 feet below the Arizona dessert in 1964. It was meant to be a mind-controlling drug to use against the Russians, but somewhere along it’s route to Russia it wound up in the hands of the afformentioned Gene O’Dell and the rest…is history.
Although all of these rumors are completely unsubstantiated, one thing is a proven fact. If you drink the Mello Yello at the Spencer Pizza Ranch you will gain a super power, but only for as long as the beverage is still in your system.***
There is one unfortunate circumstance that goes along with enjoying this nectar of the Gods…that being the after effects. Now to this day no one is really sure whether it is the food or the Mello Yello that causes the incredible digestive pyrotechnics. But…long story, short…you poop. You poop a lot.
Many a time after I was done dominating my friends in various sports at the YMCA in Spencer we’d head to Pizza Ranch and think we were about to get a great deal. Buffett for $4.95 and Orgasmic Mello Yello. Unfortunately, each one of these trips ended with the same mad scramble for the one unisex restroom the Pizza Ranch has. Often times it would result in a violent scrum where one of us would use our powers to summon drags to beseech the others or another would attack his foe with a lightning bolt from his eyes.****
However, much like in the Highlander, there can be only one…who makes it to the restroom. The rest usually choose not to follow for obvious reasons. It makes for a long, uncomfortable, often rather odiforous car ride home. At the end of the night there are no goodbyes, just young men rushing to their houses and trying to make it to the restroom before tragedy strikes.
But back to the moral of the story…Mello Yello.
Mello Yello, on its own, is probably in the top 28 beverages of all-time, however, ORGASMIC MELLO YELLO is easily in the top 2, the only thing standing between it and the top is a Chocolate Malt from Dairy Dandy…but that my friends is a tale for another time and place.
* Yep, this is true.
** Also true…seriously, look it up…I dare you!
*** Okay…this one’s bullshit.
**** Honestly, I think this was in a Harry Potter movie or something.