Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 4, 2006

Dwarf Punting

Do you ever wonder what it’d be like if you were to get in a serious fight with a dwarf?

Think about it for a second. You’re just hanging out at the mall or something and you are waiting in line at the Chinese place because you really want to take advantage of that 2 entree deal for $3.95. While you’re waiting in line and trying to figure out whether you want to get orange chicken or beef and broccoli with your egg-roll you suddenly feel your bag from TJ Maxx bump into something, you spin around and what do you see…well by-golly you’ve knocked a dwarf flat on his ass. He’s spilled his Dairy Queen chicken fingers platter all over the front of his child-sized white tshirt. The worst part…he had taken the mashed potatoes with gravy as the side dish. Uh-oh.

Suddenly the dwarf is struggling to get to his feet, kinda like a turtle on his back…but with chicken and gravy involved…and at this point he’s made enough noise in dropping the tray that everyone in the food court is staring at the two of you now. You make the obligatory apology and offer to help him pick his stuff up, when he shoves you a little, his tiny little face turning bright-red.

“What the hell was that?” he shouts at you, pointing one, bite-sized Twix-like finger at you.

“What?” you ask, before stammering, “it was an accident.”

“Accident or no accident…you’re buying me a new meal,” he screams.

“Whatever dude, maybe you should watch where you’re walking,” is your witty retort.

Suddenly the dwarf lashes out with anger and start flailing wildly at your knees. Part of you is tempted to kick him…kinda like the way you’d punt a football, but you resist. Suddenly you realize that the entire place is watching and some are starting to snicker.

Holy crap…they think this dwarf is kicking my ass! You think as you see the faces all beaming at you like headlights.

Now it decision time and we’re talking a far more crucial decision than chicken or beef. We’re talking about dwarf punting. There are two schools of thought on this subject. First we have the group of people who believe that in this situation it is best to be the bigger man (no pun intended) and walk away from the fight as a way to avoid embarrassment to yourself and the other individual. Then there is the school that thinks it is best to punt this little bastard as far as you can and get back to figuring out which entree you want to go with your egg-roll, before he has time to regroup and come back at you with all the fury his little soda can-sized fists can muster.

So the real question ladies and gentlemen is this…

Do You Punt the Dwarf?

(Please Comment Openly and Honestly As This Is A Very Important Issue For Millions Of Americans Each And Every Holiday Season)



  1. Punt it =)


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