Well folks, as is seemingly a requirement in the world of Blogging I must inform you of my weekend of travel, beverage and all-around good-timeage!
-On Thursday I took off from Mankato around 5ish after I was done at the weekly Reporter meeting. By the way I have a movie review of Derailed, an article on these Hip-Hop Classes downtown and my big-ass energy drink extravaganza on the way…just to keep you all updated on my journalistic endeavors. Anywho, I’m leaving town and what do I see? Gas has jumped from $2.09 to $2.16…good thing I filled up the day before.
-During my drive I was rocking out to Stephen King’s Shawshank Redemption on audiocassette. Gotta love a good book on tape. The two hour trip seemed to fly by, oh Stephen King you do know how to mystify me. When I got to Marshall, Johnny and I bolted pretty much immediately, it’s a lengthy trip mind you. We drove for about 45 minutes and snagged some Micky-D’s in Pipestone. The freakin’ McRib is back man! We couldn’t pass that up! Oh delectable pork and beef compound covered in goo and placed on a bun…MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!
-We then continued trucking along until we entered our second state of the night, South Dakota. We promptly mocked and riddiculed the total lack of sky scrapperage in Sioux Falls and carried on rambling about who knows what. We did get the quote of the weekend from this portion of the journey. Johnny was driving along and narrowly missed a deer. The thing is…the deer was on the side of the road. DEAD on the side of the road. Who f’n knew? “I almost hit that dead deer…on the side of the road!” Well I continued mocking and ridiculing Johnny until we hit our third state of the night…IOWA!! We promptly zipped through Sewer City and continued what is arguably the longest stretch of the trip, both in time and mental strain, Sioux City to Omaha. We passed the infamous WinnaVegas Casino, but didn’t stop. We figured we could find better ways to piss away $40. We didn’t stop until Missouri Valley, about 1/2 hour, 45 minutes north of Omaha and got gas. Mr. Kunkel refused to let me pay for gas so I responded by purchasing a butt-load of beverages and chips. We each tried some energy drinkage…no real effect, not this time anyway (more later).
-We finally made our way into Omaha and our fourth state, Nebraska! Then it was straight-up sailing until we hit Missouri, state five. We saw enough animal blood and exploded body parts to freak out anyone…but you combine me and Johnny, rolling through the back hills of Missouri at 12:30 in the morning and animal blood everywhere…OH MAN! We are like two scared little girls, crying and praying to God we don’t break down and end up getting sodomized by some crazy ass backwoods farmer wtih a big cross on the wall and bodies in the basement…you know the type!
-As we neared Maryville and the infamous Northwest Missouri State University (GO BEARCATS!) Johnny and I stumbled upon the world’s tiniest Hy-Vee ever. This thing was the same size as a gas station, but it was a Hy-Vee…we took photos, you’ll all see them someday. The next town we blazed through Johnny stopped to pee. Still fearing sodomy…I waited in the car…my bladder pounding. In the next town we found Yogi the Bear sitting in someone’s lawn. We stopped whipped the car around and took some 1am pictures with Yogi. Suddenly lights flipped on in a back-room and we bolted.
-As 1:30 in the AM rolled around we made our way into Maryville. We were looking to stop at a bar and get a beer or perhaps a Jag-Bomb for our efforts, but alas the bars were long since shut down in this quaint college-town. However, the police were out and about busting parties, something they are apt to do in Maryville (more later). We finally made our way to campus and Steven’s dorm…after we finally got a hold of him and found it. The phrase “I live in Dietreich” doesn’t mean a whole lot when you don’t know what or where the hell Dietreich is. Eventually we found it and found young Steven…oh young Steven, so pure, so innocent!
-We made the 18 1/2 mile walk in from the parking lot where it was roughly a million below zero. Mild embelishment, yes. But I had to pee like nobody’s business. We got inside, I peed. Oh sweet, sweet relief. Then we just hung out and had some beers. After beer four…and I mean IMMEDIATELY after beer four I turned to John-Boy and he was unconsious. Crazy freak. Steven and I stayed up until roughly 5:30 just talking about school, life, baseball, chicks, llamas, rabies shots, and all of the other important things guys talk about at 5:30 in the morning, following four beers and eight and a half hours in a car. Then we slumbered. But not before I had to move Johnny like 14 times…that brotha snores like he’s choking to death on a freakin’ boat motor or something.
– Steven went to class. No one knows why or how, but he went to class. Johnny and I wanted to go…inititally. But when the “wake-up” call came at us, not so much. Sleep or at least trying to sleep was WAY better. Then some frat-dude came over and bragged to me and Johnny…which pissed us off. So basically we ripped on frats and how lame it is to not let your friends in to the parties. See here’s how it works in Maryville. The dudes in the frats are so lame that they didn’t get laid in high school and they sure as hell aren’t getting laid in college. So what do they do? That’s right…they join a frat and have parties where the only dudes allowed in are guys in the frat. All the chicks who show up can get in, but damn man…they can’t go lettin’ other guys in…otherwise they might not get to touch a boobie. F’n losers. Friends in the frats blow-off their non-frat (read: cool) friends when they show up. How F’n Lame!
-Just a note…this dude sitting across from me here in the computer lab…huge douche bag. I had class with this guy and he was a huge pain in the ass, just thought I’d throw that out there.
-Anyway, Friday Steven gave us a tour of campus. It wasn’t exactly Sarah Swedburgian, but an okay tour nonetheless. We also just hung out in the dorms meeting his friends. Some of whom were cool, some of whom were kinda lame and some of whom are the envy of everyone else because they have a girlfriend. Everyone shall remain nameless. *WINK*
-Then we snagged some Sonic, ironically enough Johnny didn’t strangle me. (note: we have some deep-seeded Sonic issues.) The food was okay, the fries were awful. Oh how I long for their tots! Tots. Tots. Tots. I love tots! Then we went bumming around town and hit all six of the stores. Just kidding, it was a good time. Johnny and I made fun of Steven, he took it. Great times. It’s what we do! Johnny and I bought some new shoes. Steven bought a new shirt, what I’m referring to as his… “chicks dig me” shirt. It’s gonna rock my man…it’s gonna rock. We played some video games the rest of the afternoon and just hung out until we decided to go get some ginger-ale as Johnny was going to introduce us all to the world of the “High Ball.” We snagged some Gingy as I’ll call it and then decided we should let Steven enjoy the deliciousness that is a Jag-Bomb. So we looked but Jag was only available in a much larger quantity than I can even fathom possessing. (note: I have some deep-seeded Jagermeister issues.) After hopping from one store to another we found some and bought some Red Bull and went back to the dorms, but not before purchasing a couple of Monster Energy drinks.
-In the dorms we played some video games and sucked down the energy drinks. Johnny and I both went into a sugar-coma kinda thing and felt sick to our stomachs. When we went Pagliai’s (pronounced: Polly-Eyes) Johnny did things in the bathroom that violated the Geneva Convention my friends…you don’t even know. The pizza was great. The ice water (apparently cancer-causing) was also delicious. Nothing like pre-hydration. MMMMMMMM!! After that it was time…
-We played some drinking games including “Make Passionate Love to the Dealer,” I believe the actual name is a little less classy, so I made it all nice and pleasant for you folks. Anyway, Johnny mixed some High Balls and Steven, Johnny, Ryan (one of Steven’s homies) and I enjoyed every last drop of them. By the time we left the dorms to go the “party”…Johnny and Steven had their buzz-on and I was pretty close.
-Now this “party” I mentioned has quotes around it for one reason…it was ubber-lame. Sure it was a sorority house full of like 80 half-naked chicks right…and we were the only dudes there…I know it sounds like the setting to some crazy porno right…but it’s not. Anyway we were there for like 20 minutes at what is referred to (and printed on the wall as…) “THE PENTHOUSE.” Apparently, much like the frat thing…the sorority parties are lame too. You are supposed to “know” someone who is willing to “have your back” when you’re questioned about whether or not you “belong” at the party. How f’n lame. Well since we were never officially invited we had an issue. The thing is Johnny and I were so sick of just driving around looking for parties that when we stopped we just walked in and started drinking beer. After maybe, AT MOST, 20 minutes…we were so unimpressed we left.
-Steven, Johnny and I wondered around the streets of Maryville drinking our beers. We landed in the city park and polished off our case while having more good guy-talk and getting prank-called by the youngest of the Kunkel brothers…Drunken Justin. On our walk back we found a basketball and I made the greatest pass ever and Johnny made an incredible over the shoulder, one-handed grab. A play we couldn’t duplicate later that night…or sober the next day. We stopped at a bar…ran inside while Steven waited outside…funny stuff really. Johnny and I had a couple Jag Bombs each and then away we went. Steven was waiting outside, patiently of course, looking as those his alcoholic parents had left him outside and forgotten about him. PS: THE WEATHER WAS INCREDIBLE DOWN THERE. IT WAS AWESOME BEING OUTSIDE IN A FREAKIN T-SHIRT AT MIDNIGHT.
-Then Ryan and Andy showed up, apparently “The Penthouse” had been busted within under and hour and we all wondered drunkenly and loudly back to the dorms. At one point we played some more basketball football stuff, good times. Then out of nowhere Steven tackled me. He’s violent and needs therapy. When we entered the dorms we’d agreed to let the least drunk of us three, Steven, do all the talking. 15 seconds later, Johnny and I were recreating the incredible one-handed catch and pass to the RA’s. Man we’re stupid! Then we wandered the halls, writing on walls…most of it incoherent (read: Johnny is a drunk-ass). Steven got written up for being on the girl’s floor after 1am…it was like 1:02 or something, what a flippin’ crock. We also found out that rapists, serial killers and just plain guys from Montana can come into the dorms whenever they want through the unlocked janitors door in the basement that leads to every girls floor and they write STEVEN up? Yeah, b/c he’s a late-night prowler they need to worry about.
-We got back to the room after Johnny and I found ample cause to sprint back…a story which has been explained…and can only be told in person. We settled down for the night and within seconds of turning on the tv, flipping through the channels to find the show “Yes Dear” (note: Johnny doesn’t even like that show)…Johnny then moved the remote up to his chest and in the 1/9th of a second it takes to set the remote on his chest…he was out and snoring. Freakin’ crazy. I was up late after those Kunkel boys passed out. They both snore…a lot.
-Saturday I was up at 7:30 and dealt with the usual slow-rising Kunkels. We played some videogames (it’s what guys do) and basically bummed around until lunch that day when we ate at Quizno’s ===== MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! So f’n good. We then went to St. Joseph (about 30 minutes away and about 20 times as big) and hit the mall, I bought a cool coat thingy. Steven bought, via my suggestion-“On Writing” by Stephen King, he’ll be happy he did.
-After the mall we drove around looking for an Olive Garden, we couldn’t find one. We did find a random little puppy wandering around in heavy traffic, luckily…we didn’t hit him. Despite Johnny’s best efforts to will the car toward him from the backseat. We settled for a restaurant known as Fazoli’s think good Italian food, but with a Taco Bell kind of set-up. It was freakin’ delicious! The movie “SAW II” was our next big adventure of the evening. It was pretty good, twisted, but good. Well thought out and a solid plot.
-Following the movie we made our way back to Maryville and the dorms for those Jag Bombs. We popped in the movie, “THE NEW GUY” which is way better than I gave it credit for previously and we had our Jag Bombs. Unfortunately, Red Bull and Jag only go so far when split three ways. Steven said he got pretty hardcore buzzin’, one more would have done him in. Johnny said he was feeling it and I think I was too. Unfortunately, we were out of booze and no one had the desire to go get anyway. We sat around and talked, watched “Sleepless in Seattle” (for the second time) and played the movie game until everyone passed out.
-We got up and left.
-We drove a long f’n way.
-We got to Marshall and I thought I forgot my keys.
-I found them. I drove to Mankato.
All-in-all it was a great weekend. We all had a blast and I hope we can do it again next semester, if it wasn’t nearly 9 hours of driving for me, I’d be a little more apt to go again, but what can you do, right?! My apologies for rushing the end of the story, but I’ve been typing for more than an hour and I’m hungry as hell…plus I have to go to work real quick like.
I hope to get some pictures of the weekend up soon. GOOD TIMES.
PS: Gas down south…they’re practically giving it away. $1.96/gallon!! Who knew?!