Taylor Swift recently bought a big, fancy house on Cape Cod.
I feel like it goes without saying, but she’s obviously making a big power play to get closer to me.
Sure, sure…the media is running away with some ridiculous story about her wanting to live closer to the Kennedys because she is allegedly dating Conor Kennedy, son of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Pfffffftttt…whatever, the dude is like 18-years-old.
If we’ve learned anything from Taylor’s tumultuous love life, it’s that she is totes not having it with immature men. Why do you think there’s a plethora of angry breakup songs written “in honor” of her exes? You cross her, she’s gonna write a song about you…and it’ll go platinum just to rub it in your face.
Seriously, when it comes to your immature bullshit, Taylor ain’t putting up with it.
That’s why there is absolutely no way that some rich, spoiled 18-year-old dude is the reason she’s really buying up real estate out east.
It pretty much goes without saying that, in addition to beachfront property, Taylor is in the market for a moderately grown-up, middle-class blogger who pays money for awful haircuts and has shown an affinity for blonde country crooners in the past.
She didn’t buy property within spitting distance of my apartment for no good reason.
She’s clearly here to win her battle with romantic-rival, Zooey Deschanel and sweep me off my feet. Or I’ll do the sweeping?! Either way, someone will be swept!! It’s totally happening!
Move over, Kennedy…she’s coming for me.
Bonus: Here’s Taylor’s latest “somebody done me wrong” song, “We are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Assuming that Taylor finds her way up to Boston and we make this thing legit in the coming weeks, this will undoubtedly be her last “somebody done me wrong” song. So think of it as an endangered species and enjoy.