Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | August 18, 2012

Super Cuts Proves My Insanity

I hate Super Cuts.

I hate the place with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns.

Yet, I have some sort of ridiculous compulsion to go back there for each and every haircut, thus proving that I’m batshit crazy.

It seems that every time I go in there I end up leaving worse off than I was when I went in. That’s saying something given how long I usually wait before getting my hair cut.

I’ve got a wedding coming up in a month and I may (or may not) have an interview coming up and I figured it was high-time I trim up my long, flowing locks for something a little more socially acceptable.

As is all-too-often the case, I got a bowllet.

What’s a “bowllet” you ask? Well it’s a combination bowl-cut and mullet.

Despite my request to make the back shorter and leave the sides and front still kinda shaggy, the lady just said, “uh…sure” and did her own thing. She took way, way, way, way, way, way, way too long trimming every tiny piece of hair and I worried about halfway through that I might be her first official client.

Granted, I’m pretty sure that the rigorous training process goes something like this:

Trainer: “Can you hold scissors without stabbing someone in the eye. Not, like, all the time…you’re not a doctor or anything, but most of the time?”
Prospective Hair Butcher: “Um…yeah, I think so?!”
Trainer: “I heard yes! You’re in! Here’s your tools…go butcher the hair of that Iowan-looking kid who just walked in. I’m going to go smoke crystal meth and pretend I’m happy with the decisions I’ve made in my life.”

…so the difference between her first official client and her 10,000th client probably won’t be all that noticeable.

I asked for some adjustments throughout the process and, as they always do, she managed to make my hair look presentable in the chair with it all flipped around and combed over and whatnot.

I was moderately impressed, handed her my credit card and left the establishment.

It wasn’t until I was walking down the street and noticing wayward glances from strangers that I figured I should take a look at my reflection somewhere other than the Super Cuts mirror.

Right then and there I caught a glimpse of my bowllet in the Walgreen’s window and I nearly broke down.

Basically, I look like this…

Obviously, this is peachy keen when I’m wearing my hat—which is, admittedly, like 94% of the time that I’m awake—but is not cool for weddings and potential interviews.

My general reaction to a Super Cuts hair cut is to go home, pull out my buzzer, find the longest setting, and just shave my head.

Generally, I wait until Grace has had a chance to see it first and talk me down from such a rash move, but honestly, I have a hard time imagining she’ll have a secondary recommendation after this haircut.

It’s bad, y’all. I’ve got bangs. The bangs of an 8-year-old.

Even the cat refuses to look me in the eyes right now.

I f’n hate Super Cuts.

About these ads

Responses

  1. If you had taken as much time picking a barber shop as you did drawing your bowlet in MS Paint, you’d be, like, 60% happier right now.

  2. [...] to beachfront property, Taylor is in the market for a moderately grown-up, middle-class blogger who pays money for awful haircuts and has shown an affinity for blonde country crooners in the [...]

  3. [...] that I’ve got this awful new haircut that makes me look like a cross between He-Man and the kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans and [...]

  4. [...] that I’ve got this awful new haircut that makes me look like a cross between He-Man and the kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans and [...]

  5. Not that you’ll actually TAKE this advice, but if you pop over the Mass. Ave bridge and put up your hipster shield, my friend Sameena at Floyd’s on Mass Ave. near Symphony will cut your hair for about $10 more and you’ll LIKE IT. Plus, she has a new zombie shark tattoo. I’m SERIOUS.

    • That’s moderately intriguing. Can I just, like, walk in or do I have to schedule stuff and plan ahead, because that sounds like a lot of work.

  6. [...] Last week, I got my hair butchered at Super Cuts. [...]

  7. I’m sorry for this late comment, but on behalf of women who have had bad haircuts, I’M SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU! It is such a horrible feeling to know that you spent money to look like THIS! Any new news about your hair? Did you end up shaving it off?

    • I ended up wandering into a random salon last weekend and basically asked for them to do triage on my hair. It’s pretty short now, but it should grow out nicely and it’s still far better than if I’d shaved my head.

      I’ll call it a win and also the ultimate sign that my Super Cuts days are over.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 167 other followers

%d bloggers like this: