Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | June 11, 2012

Taxes: We’ve Been Doing Them Wrong

I love doing my taxes.

I’m one of those people who claims nothing, so I get a decent little chunk of change every year as a result. It’s not life-changing money, by any means, but it usually helps pay for my annual trip to the Midwest for fantasy baseball antics and that’s good enough for me.

It turns out, however, that I’ve been doing my taxes wrong this entire time. In fact, odds are pretty good that you have too.

Did you know that you can just put in whatever numbers you want?!

I didn’t either.

It turns out that if you’re using TurboTax, you can just sorta punch in numbers at random until you get the desired refund.

Well okay you can’t legally do it, but you can totally get away with it if no one is really paying any attention, or at least that’s what Krystle Maria Reyes of Salem, Oregon did.

Here’s the quick and dirty from the New York Daily News:

The 25-year-old used TurboTax to falsely report wages of $3 million on her 2011 personal income tax return, according to an affidavit obtained by The Oregonian. Reyes used the software’s tax calculator to claim a refund of $2.1 million.

TurboTax issued Reyes a Visa card with the refund amount after Oregon approved the sum.

Well, by golly that sounds pretty darn swell doesn’t it?!

I mean you can just go ahead and claim you made millions of dollars and then work the numbers to get a refund that basically amounts to winning the lottery, only better because you can get it all in one lump sum payment and you don’t have to deal with paying any pesky taxes!

This chick is, like, a total super genius. She should be leading a syndicate of super villains trying to kill off Superman or something. She’s clearly got the smarts for it.

Only there has to be a catch, otherwise we wouldn’t be reading about this in the news would we.

Hmmmmmmmm…what could have happened to screw up this gal’s seemingly flawless con-job?!

Did the folks at TurboTax realize it’s a bit odd to send out a Visa with more than $2 million on it?

Did the state of Oregon (who had already approved this refund) decide it might be worth a second look?

Did the Federal government notice that her salary had increased exponentially from one year to the next?

No, no…it turns out that she lost the card after a big-time spending spree and inquired about getting it replaced.

Here’s the details from the Daily Mail:

Prosecutors said she went on a spending spree and spent more than $150,000.

She later reported the card missing, prompting an investigation which uncovered the massive fraud which is believed to be the biggest in the history of the state of Oregon.

Reyes, according to an arrest affidavit, paid $2,000 in cash for a 1999 Dodge Caravan and used the card to buy $800 worth of tires and wheels.

She was also caught on CCTV cameras using the card at various outlets.

According to the probable cause statement, Reyes spent $13,000 in Marion County over two days in February, $26,000 in March and more than $35,000 in April.

You know what, I’m thinking maybe it’s time to revoke her super genius status.

She got away with a $2 million con-job from the state of Oregon and then proceeded to piss away that money on a ’99 Dodge Caravan?!

Really?! Are you f’n kidding me with this?!

Was the lady who’d just stolen $2 million worried that a new Toyota Highlander would be too conspicuous?!

What the shit?!

Wait…I think I’m getting worked up over the wrong part. My bad, let me rewind and refocus here.

She reported the card as lost.

Is it even remotely possible that there is a dumber super genius anywhere on the planet?

This is just like when the villain tells Batman exactly what he plans to do when he’s got him tied up and assumes he’ll be a non-factor in the caper.

He’s f’n Batman.

He’s gonna get outta your ropes and avoid the shark tank. He always does. Now he knows your plot and he’s gonna keep the missle from destroying City Hall.

Okay, maybe it’s not exactly like that, but it’s pretty similar.

You don’t rip the state off for $2 million and then go back to the well a second time looking for a do-over after you somehow managed to lose the single most important and valuable thing you have ever had your grubby little mitts on in your entire life.

Did Charlie drop the Golden Ticket? No, that poor little street urchin held onto the damn thing and ran all the way home. How’d that work out for him? Oh yeah, he ended up with the deed to the f’n Wonka Chocolate Factory!

This lady totally slacked off and dropped her Golden Ticket and thought she could just go ahead and ask for another?!

F’n ridiculous.


Responses

  1. …but seriously, a used Dodge Caravan?!

    Come on!

  2. Now that’s what I call KARMA! ;)

    • I know, right?!

      I just don’t get how you make that kind of bonehead move if you’ve got a $2 million cash card. How do you ever let it out of your sight?! I’d sleep with the damn thing taped to my chest or tucked in the elastic band of my undies or something.


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