Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | March 6, 2012

In Need of a Pretty Big Favor


My Faithful Readers, I come to you today with an impassioned plea.

If any of you out there ever invite time travel, I’m begging you to go back in time to roughly midnight last night.

Wait for me to exit the subway in Central Square.

Follow me down Massachusetts Avenue.

When you see me stop in front of Hi-Fi Pizza and longingly stare in the window, I want you to coldcock in me in the back of the head with a tube-sock full of batteries and angry bees.

If I look like I’m getting back up and still contemplating the merits of eating at Hi-Fi, just keep bashing me in the head until I give up and crawl home.

Do not kill me. Do not give me brain damage. Do not leave any long-lasting, permanent physical damage.

I just need you to keep me from making the late-night dining mistake I’ve made too many times.

Your mission is simple: Do not let me walk into Hi-Fi and under no circumstances should you allow me to order a meatball sub.

If you arrive late and I’ve already ordered the sub, then you take drastic measures. You feel free to forget the aforementioned list of things not to do. Give me brain damage. Bust me up real good. Put a few dents in my noggin.

Do whatever it is you need to do to ensure that I don’t eat that scourge!

As an added bonus for your role in this endeavor, whoever goes back in time and prevents me from eating that God-forsaken sandwich—which is currently tearing through my insides like a buzzsaw from hell—will be allowed to remove all of the cash money I had on my person at the time, roughly $60.

If that isn’t getting your motor running to go out and invent time travel, I don’t know what will.

Now go out there and build me a f’n time machine!

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Responses

  1. LOL .. nice post .. but it is an anomaly ..
    If u were to be prevented from eating that SANDWICH ..
    there would be no reason for you to write this post …
    Which would prevent the reader from going into the past …
    effectively preventing the reader from knocking u unconscious …

    THUS u WOULD end up EATING THE SANDWICH …
    :)

    Like

    • I was worried someone was going to interject logic into this.

      So what you’re saying is that there is no way for me to ever avoid that sandwich.

      …damn.

      Like

      • dont loose hope … im sure there will be some kind of way out ..

        u know like if someone does go back nd inadvertently causes u to miss out on eating the sandwich .. ex if some1 were to rob the store … but the thief had no connection to you what-so-ever…. but the chances of that happening are 1 in a billion ..

        Like

      • If it means I get to undo the act of eating that sandwich, I’ll take those odds any day of the week!

        Like

      • may the force be with you ….

        sry couldnt come up with a more appropiate reply

        Like

      • No worries, that works for me!

        Like

  2. Flux capacitor giving you trouble today? That sucks.

    Like

  3. Okay, this is where I bring out the superkicking pimp elbow. Your #badatfood is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve watched you eat perfectly good, delicious, healthy food. You’re officially on warning, friend.

    Like

    • It was midnight and the only other thing that was open was 7-11 and I made the mistake of doing the 7-11 hot dogs a couple weeks ago. That was almost as bad as this the next day…but not quite.

      Like

  4. [...] previous requests, however, I’m not asking anyone to master time travel and physically assault me or help hook me up with an amazing [...]

    Like


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