Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 16, 2012

Buy Me Things

My Faithful Readers, I’m pretty freakin’ excited right now.

It’s Girl Scout Cookie season which is always an awesome and awful time for me, because I’m a total fatty.

You see, when I eat Girl Scout Cookies. I don’t eat them one or two at a time. I don’t even have the resolve to settle for eating them by the handful.

No, no…I devour those f’n morsels of saturated fat-laden goodness by the box.

If you sit me down with a box of Thin Mints—especially if you’ve put ‘em in the freezer first—you can go ahead and safely assume that the entire box will be in my stomach within ten minutes.

I’m a freakin’ animal around those things.

This year, things are getting amped up to the max.

The Girl Scouts are pumping out a “new” cookie called “Savannah Smiles.”

Here’s the description of the “new” cookie from the Girl Scouts official website:

Celebrate the anniversary of the Girl Scouts with these bite-sized, lemon-wedge cookies dusted in powdered sugar and bursting with lemon flavor. Enjoy these delightful treats, remember where Girl Scouts began …and smile.

Perhaps that sounds vaguely familiar?

Well it should, because they had these suckers roughly half-a-decade ago for an all-too-brief one-year stint.

They were called “Lemon Coolers” at the time and they were most amazing f’n cookie I’d ever eaten.

I plowed through three boxes in one sitting.

It was like a National Geographic special. I just tore into the boxes with reckless abandon and, like, half an hour later, I was covered in powdered sugar and full of sucrose and shame.

It was glorious.

…and then they f’n vanished.

Just like that they were a one and done cookie and I was FURIOUS.

They tried to replace them with some weak-ass cookie called “Lemonades” which were like a shortbread cookie with lemon icing.

It was total horseshit.

I ate six of ‘em—a man still has needs, y’all—and then I physically assaulted the box with a spatula while listening to speed metal just to prove a point.

Now, they’re back…more or less.

They’re claiming this cookie is a brand-new creation and they’re pimping them under a new name, but I couldn’t care less about the new marketing or the fact that they’re pretending that “Lemon Coolers” never existed. The important thing is that I can get my grubby little mitts on ‘em again.

The only issue here is that I have yet to encounter a pack of those khaki-clad drug-dealer trainees anywhere.

Usually by now I’ve encountered multiple groups of tiny girls pimping their Thin Mints and Samoas (Blogger’s Note: like hell if I’m ever gonna call those things “Carmel de Lites”) all over town.

This year, not a damn one. It’s like they’re all in the process of earning a stealthy ninja merit badge or something.

I’m going to keep searching, but in the meantime if you encounter these cookies, you pounce. You pounce like your life depends on it, because it just might.

Seriously, if I find out you had a chance to hook me up with these little crack-like nuggets of lemony-awesomeness and you didn’t get the job done…well, by-golly, my vengeance shall rain down upon you like a sledge-hammer covered in syphilis.

…but, uh, yeah…all threats aside, help a brotha out!


Responses

  1. Note…we have had them for a week already and boxes of thin mints, peanut butter awesomeness, and carmel nummies have been devoured. And yes I am telling you this so that you can be even more enraged that you don’t have any yet.

  2. I’m waiting on my 4 boxes of Samoas (MY FAVORITE) and those tagalong things. Just one of those, and they were an afterthought. I will say, they did something to the Samoas and they aren’t the same, but whatever. I’ll still eat them.

    • It seems that they’re always tinkering with the secret cookie formulas. Just a couple years ago they finally took trans fats out and although my heart thanks them, my tastebuds do not.

      • Well then, maybe that’s what happened to the Samoas!

      • I don’t doubt that. I think that they’re using HFCS instead of real sugar in everything anymore and it is entirely possible they’re using some sort of fake coconut too to save like two center per cookie or something.

  3. Two weeks ago the girls scouts were at the Harvard Square and Porter Square MBTA stations. That’s always a good place to find the.

    • Would it be weird to wander all the way to a T-station just to pick up some cookies and then leave?

      Well, probably no weirder than asking the entire internet to hook you up with cookies and then promptly threatening them afterwards…so there’s that?!

      • I think it’s fine. It’s not like you have to bust out the T pass and get through the gates first. Those kids would probably appreciate your persistence.

      • That’s a good call. I like the way you think!

  4. You have achieved the impossible and made me long for a lemon cookie!

  5. Wait a tick… People eat Girl Scout cookies by the handful? Not boxful? I think you’re lying to me – because surely this is incorrect information…

    • I know, right?!

      I certainly can’t speak for those unfortunate souls, but I do believe there is subset of undoubtedly sad people who only eat them by the handful. Poor, poor bastards.

  6. And 2+2=5. Big Brother loves you very much. As for me, I’m hoarding Samoas against the Zombie Apocalypse. I may have to add some of those lemon thingies as extra insurance.

    • I recommend the lemon thingies. So good. Plus they’ll probably make them disappear for another six years again just to ensure that I’m forever remembered as the guy who firebombed Girl Scout headquarters.

  7. OMG…. I totally sit down and devour a box at a time of those delicious cookies… and I have NO IDEA where to find them. I’m getting as pissed off as you sound….

    • I feel like there has to be some sort of Black Market for Girl Scout cookies, right?

      I picture a bunch of mobster types selling Tagalongs and Samoas in like July at a $20/box or something. People gotta get their fix.

      • You’re so right. Where can we find such black markets? Maybe we should advertise for them. I can see it now… “Girl Scout Cookie Monger Seeks Black Market in Order to Get Fix”, with the reply from the mobsters being “If you don’t buy from me, I might just kill you”.

      • This plan has so much potential to either work out flawless and lead to a cookie-laden paradise.

        …or get us both knifed and dumped in a lake.

        I think I’m still willing to take the gamble if it gets me some freakin’ cookies.

      • Me, too. I’d do anything for those delicious, sugary concoctions.

  8. Funny stuff! My daughter and I will be out in full force tonight selling to anyone who can’t pass up her sweet smile. But we live in NC and we don’t even have those cookies. What gives? We only have the lemon shortbreads. Bummer because I remember those lemon coolers and they were awesome. Hope you get your fix…and stock up your freezer because they may be gone next year.

    • Oh believe me…if/when I find a pack of scouts, I’ll promptly hand them my last paycheck and run off to bury boxes of lemony goodness all over my neighborhood. That way they’re still safe if my home is invaded by someone coming off a crash diet or something.

  9. All thin mint statements seconded.


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