Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | August 27, 2011

People I May Heinously Murder: Jim Carrey

Once upon a time, Jim Carrey was a god in my eyes.

Granted, that time was more than 15 years ago…so, uh, there’s that. I assume that there are plenty of people—specifically dudes—who watched Carrey in “Ace Ventura” or “Dumb and Dumber” back in the day and thought he was the bees’ knees.

I thought that Jim Carrey was the funniest dude on the planet and—speaking from his ass notwithstanding—I assumed he could do no wrong.

He was one of the most entertaining people in the world and he kept churning out hit after hit on the silver-screen. Heck, he even managed to date a very impressive resume of current and former hotties that includes Lauren Holly, Jennifer McCarthy and Anine Bing.

Yet, somewhere along the way, Jim got lost.

He did things like campaigning with Jenny McCarthy in support of her redonkulous Generation Rescue that claims the vaccination given to children for measles, mumps and rubella gives them autism. This despite scientific proof that says otherwise…

He did things like “Lemony Snicket’s,” “The Majestic,” and “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.”

He did things like, well, this:


Yeah, that’s right folks…Jim went after my crush, Emma Stone.

I get that the whole thing is probably a joke, or a publicity stunt, or some tie-in for a movie that I’m unaware of, but this indiscretion shall not stand.

Now there was a time and a place (read: 1995 and Iowa) when I would have let this transgression pass. Unfortunately, those days have come and gone.

Jim was lucky enough back in 2003 that I let him slide for “Bruce Almighty.”

If you don’t recall the movie—and don’t feel bad if you don’t, it was good, not great—here’s the gist: Jim Carrey is Bruce Nolan, a down-on-his-luck TV reporter who happens to be dating Jennifer Aniston. He gets some God-powers thanks to, well, the fact that it’s a movie and does the whole good-guy-gone-bad thing and eventually atones for his mistakes and stuff and lands the gal and is happy with his life and all that jazz.

Oh yeah…and Jennifer Aniston’s name in the movie is Grace.

Could it be any more obvious that he was gunning for me? First he lands my all-time super crush in Jennifer Aniston and then her name is Grace…come on now, Jim, but that’s just a little too convenient.

Anyway, I let it go, but seriously, this Emma Stone thing…that’s pushing it too far. I gave him one free pass and he more or less stayed in line for the better part of a decade, but now…now, THIS.

Unacceptable.

Emma was totally down with my random advances via the internet, Jim.

In fact, here’s a quick reaction shot from Emma after she read my rambling post about her from last fall:

You see that Jim?

She’s diggin’ it.

That’s a double thumbs up, my friend.

A freakin’ double thumbs up! It doesn’t get more legit than that, trust me, I’ve checked.

On the off-chance you’re curious about her reaction to your video, it was this:

Yep, that’s right, not only is she sad, she’s hanging out in the rain.

In the freakin’ rain, bro.

You made her brave the winds of Hurricane Irene rather than stay inside and think about your advances. I assume this is because you’re more than twice her age.

So go ahead and start watching your ass, Jim…because your days as “my hero” are long gone. From here on out you’re a freakin’ target.

BONUS: Click here for a “Black Swan”-themed animated .gif of Jim Carrey that’s sure to haunt you’re dreams…you know, just because…


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