Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | October 26, 2009

Home-Sweet-Home with Zombies

OBAMApunchesZOMBIE

I saw a headline today that included the words “Iowa” and “zombie.”

Awesome, right?!

Wrong.

As it turns out, the story is drastically tamer than I’d hoped. Apparently, Iowa is not (yet) serving as ground zero for the early stages of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

No, no…according to the story from the fine folks at the Associated Press, Iowa was the scene of something far more common and far less bad-ass.

It seems that some drunk dude was at a restaurant sometime around bar close most-likely in search of some pancakes and bacon—an Iowa staple to stave off hangovers and/or allow us to drive our pickup trucks/tractors/Trans-Ams/horses/lawn-mowers home—when he saw some other dude meander into the same restaurant and decided to go say hi to him.

This seems innocent enough, right?! Sure.

Except that the drunk dude wandered up to the other guy and slugged him in the face, twice. Apparently he thought the other guy was zombie.

I’m not going to lie this makes me just a little bit ashamed to admit I’m from Iowa.

I mean come on, some drunk guy goes and punches another dude in the face because he thinks he’s a zombie?!

That’s just ridiculous…and here’s why:

• There is no “thinking” someone is a zombie. Anyone with aspirations of killing hordes of zombies, and potentially surviving the aforementioned Zombie Apocalypse, has to KNOW a zombie when they see ‘em. Accidentally killing non-zombies is a waste of valuable ammunition and leaves you prone to attack by real zombies.

• He punched the non-zombie in the face?! Come on, Dude…that’s just bush league. Everyone knows that you don’t try to f’n punch zombies. You destroy the brain. Sure, sure you can try to slow or disable a zombie and a well-placed kick to the knee will definitely do that, but a punch to the face?! Zombies do their worst damage when they bite, so why in the blue-hell would you want to purposely put your fist in his craw?! It’s just poor-planning, Hillbilly!

• He scampered off out the back door of the restaurant, leaving the non-zombie not only alive, but alert and really pissed off. If he thought it was a real zombie he should have stuck around to make sure the mofo was dead—or is it more undead?!—rather than high-tail it outta there at the first sign of trouble. Plus come on, who in their right mind wants to piss off a zombie and then just leave him/her layin’ there to stew about it.

Now normally, I’ll defend Iowa to the hilt, but today it’s tough.

Which is a shame. I mean come on, folks…we’re a pretty bad-ass state.

We’ve got one of the top-ranked college football teams in the country, we’re ahead of the curve on gay marriage, we have a Taco John’s nearly once every 20-30 miles in every direction and—most importantly—they filmed “Field of Dreams” (a quasi-zombie movie) on our turf. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Despite that bevy of pros (and lack of cons), defending my wonderful, corn-laden homeland feels tough after reading about this drunken jackass.

Someone explain to me how one piss-poor zombie-hunter-wannabe, like this dude, is what gets Iowa into the news. We’re freakin’ awesome!! I mean…for frick’s sake…Taco John’s…

…’tis a damned shame.


Responses

  1. Rule 47: During the Zombie Apocalypse do not make allies with drunken Iowans. They will only misjudge you as a zombie and knock you the F-out. Thus leaving you as an all-you-can-eat Zombie Happy Meal.

    I will say this Iowan made a grave mistake. Even if he did attacked a non-zombie he forgot Rule 2: Double Tap.

    Like

    • I totally agree.

      Rule 48: If you’re going to do something wrong, do it right.

      Don’t just punch the suspected zombie and meander off, kill the mofo…and steal his wallet and cellphone.

      Like

  2. […] this week, I wrote about my embarrassment regarding the “Iowa Zombie Attack” that made headlines last […]

    Like

  3. Don’t worry Graves, it happpens in England too! Well. Fictional England.

    Like


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