Just Say No to LOL

Okay, I gotta be honest here, I don’t know if I can actually kill a piece of the internet lexicon.

If I can, I certainly intend to kill LOL.

I mean, honestly, I’m probably going to kidnap LOL, drag it out to some remote cabin in the woods of Maine (because it is both scenic and desolate) and make it suffer for weeks on end.

Granted, LOL won’t get upset or cry or beg for mercy. No, no…all I’ll hear is feverish, nonsensical laughter.

You see, my Faithful Readers, I’ve got a serious problem with the whole “LOL” thing.

Anytime someone ends a sentence with LOL it is supposed to imply that they’re “laughing out loud.” The thing is, 90% of the time that wouldn’t make any f’n sense.

Observe these ditties taken directly from Twitter.

The scary part is, that’s just from a small two-hour block of time, most of which our Tweeter—who must be in cahoots with the Joker given all that laughter—spent on an airplane, unable to continue posting LOL-laden Tweets.

In just two—mostly Twitter-deprived hours—our Tweeter used and abused LOL nine freakin’ times!!

So here today I implore you—all of you—who find yourselves compelled to end every single thing you say with an LOL…stop it.

Just f’n stop it!!

Don’t you see what you’re doing?!

Observe:

“I’m tired, LOL.”

“I had a bowel movement, LOL.”

“My Uncle Jim just got rundown by a herd of wild antelopes, LOL.”

“I just lost my left leg in an industrial accident, LOL.”

None of those sentences require an LOL.

If you’re actually laughing out loud when you say you’re tired, you’re probably high.

If you’re actually laughing out loud when you refer to a bowel movement, you’re probably eight years old…or in a frat.

If you’re actually laughing out loud after your uncle Jim’s untimely demise, you’re probably pretty F’d up in the head and have some serious coping issues.

If you’re actually laughing out loud after losing your leg in an industrial accident, you’re probably suffering from extreme blood loss and going to die anyway, that’ll teach you to Tweet about it, dumbass!

Anyway, my point is…just say no to LOL.

Unless you’re saying something funny or responding to something funny, LOL isn’t going to make a single big of sense.

Here’s a simple rule: If you’re not ACTUALLY laughing out loud, don’t claim that you are. That makes you look stupid and it makes you a liar.

Do you want to be a stupid liar?

I didn’t think so.

As if all that weren’t enough there’s also a pretty good chance that some asshole blogger will come along, take a screenshot of your Twitter page and mock you…and no one wants that.

So please, please, please just say no to LOL!!