I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, so rather than hooking y’all up with some deep, introspective post about the meaning of life or my take on the situation overseas—you know, like I usually do—I’ve decided that I’m going to go with another of my favorite things to do…make a list.
I enjoy lists. Lists make everything clear, concise and—this is my favorite part—they make whatever you write look drastically longer than it really is thanks to excessive spacing!
Lists truly are wonderful.
Anyway, in lieu of anything worthwhile, I present all y’all with a random list of 15 things that would make me happy.
If you see anything on the list you’d like to hook me up with, be it as a very late and/or very early birthday present or simply because you think I rock…that’s cool with me…I do enjoy presents!
01) Green Monster seats
02) A job as general manager of a MLB team
03) Jennifer Aniston moves in next door
04) Less back and knee pain
05) Carrot Top spontaneously combusts
06) BBQ Ribs and Fried Chicken
07) My Vanilla Coke virginity is returned to me so that it may once again have that same sweet, surprising awesomeness
08) Taco Johns—all of it—even the questionable quesadillas
09) Softball becomes a professional job that pays $45K + benefits
10) Ghostbusters III is filmed and I’m offered the role of the fifth Ghostbuster
11) Teleportation between the Midwest and East Coast is perfected
12) Skateboarders cut their douche-factor in half
13) A previously unknown Chris Farley/David Spade movie is released and it is not a comedy, but rather a drama with British accents
14) A book deal of some sort so that I could write a few books and retire
15) The ability to physically assault library patrons and then rewind time to just before the incident, thus allowing me to stay out of jail and employed whilst retaining the satisfying memory of beating them to death with a three-hole punch