Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | May 27, 2009

Welcome Back

badbreath001

So today was my first day back to work after my week off gallivanting about the Midwest.

For the most part it was a pretty calm and quiet day, a rarity for me. I spent the majority of the first few hours just plowing through a week’s worth of emails and trying to get caught up on some other smaller tasks before really diving into anything substantial.

Around three, I figured it was about time to get some lunch so I wandered over to the Student Center and snagged some Subway. As I was leaving the Student Center some dude flagged me down like he was chasing a cab he’d left his baby in or something. He was running and flailing and all that the entire way.

When he finally reached where I was standing—after sprinting a solid sixty or seventy yards—he began speaking…

Some Dude: “Hey…HEY…”
This Dude: “Uh…hey.”
Some Dude: “Dude do you got any gum?!”
This Dude: “What?!”
Some Dude: “Gum, you know…like gum.”
This Dude: “I don’t think so, lemme check.”

I checked, because I often have tons of random things in my pocket that I’m unaware of and, in the past, I’ve been known to always have gum on hand. As I’d thought, I was without gum. I relayed this revelation to him and began to walk away when he reached out and grabbed my shoulder.

In this instance, I generally day-dream (ala Dr. John Dorian) about how I’d spin around and cold-cock the guy, knocking out some teeth and send him hurtling into the air and right through some gigantic plate-glass window…most of this would (obviously) take place in slow-motion.

In real-life, I just sorta turned back and gave him a “really dude…” kinda look.

Some Dude: “Do you have a mint or anything?!”
This Dude: “Lemme check.”

I reached into my pocket and searched for a mint. Subway, much like Taco John’s, often has mints by the checkout and I’ve found that I instinctively always grab a handful of ‘em and jam ‘em into my pocket. I’d been popping those mints like they were Skittles or Percocets after eating my sub and wasn’t sure if I had any left.

Some Dude: “Man, I really need something for my breath…”
This Dude: “Apparently…”
Some Dude: “No, dude…because I have to go over to an awards ceremony.”
This Dude: “…and you want nice breath to accept an award?”

I pulled out the lone remaining mint that I hadn’t devoured and handed it to him.

Some Dude: “No, I’m not getting an award. I just need a mint because the place is swarming with cops and I just smoked a ton of weed…”

Then he just started giggling and walked off. He unwrapped the mint and threw it in the air trying to catch it in his mouth. He missed about three times before just giving up and putting in straight in his mouth from the sidewalk.

I shook my head and walked back to work…and just like that, my innocuous return had come to an end. Let the craziness commence as usual.


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