Meat is Neat

After ingesting a whole bunch-o-meat today, I can safely say that I feel a hundred times better physically, mentally and emotionally than I did all of last week.

Perhaps it’s the protein or the fat or the awesomeness…I’m not quite sure what it is, but it works.

My game-plan for today was to take it nice and easy and slowly ease my way back into eating meat. This was by no means due to a lack of interest in devouring an entire pig in one sitting, but rather the simple logic that my tum-tum might react poorly if I were to do so.

So my protein-craving stomach and I agreed to a simple game-plan. I’d go to the highly regarded (thank you, The Peter Norman) Coast Café, eat a solid amount of meat—but not go overboard—and call it a day.

So last night I checked the menu on their website and decided to go with the heavily-hyped fried chicken and BBQ ribs for lunch and then chill for the rest of the day.

Well, for some reason I didn’t wake up until noon today—very out of character—and then spent nearly an hour on the phone and didn’t get around to leaving the house until 3pm, so I was VERY hungry on my way out the door.

My stomach and I got into a bit of a shouting match with one another on the street—something that wasn’t even remotely out of the norm near Central Square—and I finally relented and purchased a slice of pepperoni pizza at Hi-Fi and continued walking the mile or so to get to Coast Café.

Meat Count: One slice of pepperoni pizza.

When I got to Coast Café, I found out they were closed on Mondays. Apparently, when I was checking the website last night, I was so busy drooling and thinking about devouring the ribs and chicken that I didn’t even pay any attention to their hours.

It was then that my stomach let me know how pissed he was.

Stomach: “Dude, what the hell?! Where’s the ribs and chicken?!”
Brain: “Calm down, Man…this happens. No biggy. We’ll just go get some ribs somewhere else.”
Stomach: “Calm down?! You want me to ‘calm down‘…we haven’t eaten anything worthwhile in a week and you want me to ‘calm down.’”
Brain: “I’m just sayin’…it’s no big deal. We can go up to Davis Square and hit up Red Bones or something.”
Stomach: “Oh screw that!! We are doing this my way now.”
Brain: “Oh come on now, we had an agreement.”
Stomach: “Yeah, back before you…the brain…screwed up and didn’t read the f’n hours! Follow me!!”

My stomach then lead me up the street to River Gods. I walked in and—before taking a seat—ordered their revered steak sandwich and fries. I absolutely devoured the sandwich. Like it had literally been in front of me for less than three minutes and it was completely gone.

Meat Count: One slice of pepperoni pizza and one steak sandwich.

I assumed I was all set, but my stomach had other ideas…

Stomach: “Burger!!”
Brain: “Huh?!”
Stomach: “BURGER!!”

My stomach promptly directed me up Mass Ave to Flat Patties, recently named the best burger in the Boston area. At Flat Patties I promptly ordered a double bacon cheeseburger.

Again, it was in front of me for less than a few minutes and the burger was long since gone and I was rapidly working my way toward protein-normalization.

Meat Count: One slice of pepperoni pizza, one steak sandwich and one double bacon cheeseburger.

I started walking home—again thinking I was done eating—but once more, my stomach felt differently. A few minutes later I was sitting at the aforementioned KFC/Taco Bell hybrid munching on a couple pieces of fried chicken, some coleslaw, a biscuit and a steak quesadilla.

Meat Count: One slice of pepperoni pizza, one steak sandwich, one double bacon cheeseburger, two pieces of fried chicken and one steak quesadilla.

Knowing Thinking that my stomach was finally full, I wandered back home. On the way I passed one of MIT’s Document Service Angels, Georgina. Upon hearing of my meat conquests on the day she appeared immediately appalled and walked off in the other direction.

Somehow, a few minutes later as I was buying a Coke at 7-11, I felt myself unable to control a final meaty-urge and I asked…nay…I DEMANDED the dude behind the counter snag me one of the ¼ pound hot dogs.

I was barely out the door before I’d eaten the entire thing without even hooking it up with all the fixings. Just the hot dog and the bun. Nothing else.

Meat Count: One slice of pepperoni pizza, one steak sandwich, one double bacon cheesebuger, two slice of fried chicken, one steak quesadilla and one hot dog.

And that, Faithful Readers, was the end of my protein-laden adventures for the day.

Surprise, surprise I’m not overly hungry anymore.

It would seem that my stomach is finally content and at rest…for now!!