Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 23, 2009

Channel-Surfin’ USA

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How can I have 70-some channels and yet I can almost never find anything worth watching?!

So there I was flipping channels this afternoon and I stumbled across a whole bunch of crap that made me lose faith in both television and mankind…

Tool Academy

So the first thing I encountered was something called Tool Academy on VH1 or MTV or something, you know one of those channels that doesn’t actually play music videos anymore. Well basically the entire premise of this show is to bring a bunch of douche-bags of the grandest order, “super douches” if you will, together in one house and then we the viewer are supposed to sit back as…um…”hilarity” ensues?!

It took all of fourteen seconds for me to realize that I hated each and everyone of these guys with a fiery passion. These guys make all the frat boys I’ve ever encountered look like Cary Grant.

According to Jim

I realize that According to Jim has been around for awhile now, but I’ve never actually watched it before. A streak that—with the lone exception of the two minutes I wasted today—will remain primarily intact. Much like every other lame sitcom on television today it has a stubborn set-in-his-ways father figure with a disproportionately hot wife.

Note: Jim Belushi sucks.

Rock of Love

Rock of Love stars former Poison lead singer, Bret Michaels—who I mistakenly thought had used up his fifteen minutes about twenty years ago—and surprise, surprise he’s “looking for true love” on a reality show. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. The only thing he appeared to be doing—in the four minutes we shared with one another—was taking various skanktastic-looking groupies onto his tour bus to hook up.

I’ll give Michaels this much: “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” is an awesome song. It was also released over twenty years ago. Beyond the occasional live performance of that little ditty I see no merit to the continued existence of Bret Michaels. Especially after watching this abomination—for all of four minutes.

Family Feud

To be perfectly honest, I thought that Family Feud had gone the way of the dinosaur back when they tried bringing it back with Louie Anderson. Apparently, they gave it another whirl a few years back with Richard Karn—you may remember him as “Al” from Home Improvement—and apparently that didn’t last real long either.

Well apparently it’s back, yet again, with John O’Hurley as host. Perhaps you remember him as J. Peterman on Seinfeld…or perhaps you don’t. No shame either way. Today I saw O’Hurley, who apparently lives his Seinfeld character 24/7, yucking it up with a bunch of celebrity impersonators. Yeah…yeah you read that right. Today’s contestants were two teams of celebrity lookalikes. All of whom took O’Hurley’s lead and refused to break character.

I think I threw up a little.

And that right there pretty much sums up my afternoon of attempting to watch syndicated television. I can’t help but think a small part of me died this afternoon.

Luckily we’re nearly at the time of day where Scrubs and Family Guy start popping up on channels all over the dial. Praise Jebus!


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