Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 11, 2008

Dear Diary (v.5:pt.1)

Thursday – 8:08am

 

I’m back in Barker. I wandered across campus and found far too many people up and moving, almost to the point that I wanted to violently attack someone and/or puke on them. Perhaps it was just a combination of no sleep and violent library rage that we all suffer from in this profession. Remember that the next time your punk-ass wants to bitch about a 75 cent fine!! I’ve seen a librarian disembowel a horse in 16 seconds flat…without messing up slim-fasther hair, or getting blood on the card catalog.

 

Thursday – 8:12am

 

I just chugged a SlimFast. Man do I feel a lot better. Sweet, sweet chocolaty-goodness!! And chockfull of protein too! You just can’t beat this stuff!!

 

Thursday – 8:24am

 

There is a surprisingly large number of people in Barker already, I’m actually quite worried that I’ve just been coming in an hour late the entire time I’ve worked here. We do start at nine, right?! On a side-note, I’ve just explained the wonder of my caffeine-free overnight shift to Roshni and Cassandra. Both seemed a combination of mystified and skeptical. Let’s be honest here, I can’t blame them for either emotion.

 

Thursday – 9:16am

 

I just realized that I have a meeting at ten. There is no doubt in my mind I’m going to pass out in this meeting. Roshni is leading the meeting and I’ve already pre-warned her that I may doze off. Especially since Roshni and I went over all of this stuff last week. Throw in the fact that we’ll be sitting in big comfy chairs in a warm room…I stand no chance.

 

Thursday – 11:13am

 

Yep, I passed out in the meeting. I kept dozing like crazy. Cassandra had to kick me a few times because I think it was very obvious. No offense to Roshni, I love her dearly and her presentation was glorious…but come on…as mentioned before, I stood no chance against that room. It could have been a presentation on the geography of Jennifer Aniston’s naked posterior and I’d have probably been dozing through that too.

 

Thursday – 11:38am

 

Damn, even when I’m half unconscious I’m still f’n productive as all hell. I just took care of two months worth of backlogged emails regarding journal claims. You know what, hold up a sec, I’m realizing that I keep saying a lot of things about my job and only a select few of my readers know what the hell I’m talking about. If only I were a lion-tamer. Everyone understands, “I cracked the whip and the lion stood on his back feet and played the cymbals.” Anywho…long story short…when journals (read: really expensive magazines) don’t show up, we have to claim them which means I get to harass the publisher until they either: a) send me a copy, b) give me the run around until their liability to supply it has expired or c) simply tell me to fuck off…but in a more professional manner of course.

 

Anyway, the whole point…I’m all-kinds of productive. Hip Hip Hooray!

 

Thursday – 12:23pm

 

I just looked in a mirror and realized I’m rocking a serious set of crazy eyes. I think that’s a pretty good sign it’s time for some real food, the SlimFast ain’t cuttin’ it anymore. I think I need some more protein…I know I’ve got some Chunky soup around here somewhere!!

 

Thursday – 12:46pm

 

Holy Crap!!! Chunky soup, one of those microwaveable bowl-thingys…is technically “two servings.” Seriously, who the hell is going to eat half a microwaveable bowl of anything?! You don’t go up to your buddy and be all…“Hey, dude what’s up…you wanna go halfsies on this Lean Cuisine or what?! There ain’t no way I can handle two whole cups of broccoli and cheese all by myself.”

 

chunkyAnyway, I was all-stoked because when I (logically) thought that the microwaveable bowl was one serving I read that it had 10 grams of protein which is pretty solid. Then I realized it was two servings…so I just ingested 20 grams of protein. Not only do I feel energetic, but man, I’m freakishly energetic. I think I wanna go punch a cow in the face and chew on un-popped popcorn!!

 

Nah, I think I’ll harness that borderline psychotic scenario and just work on my end of the year review instead…

 

Thursday – 1:08pm

 

For anyone who has yet to experience my voicemail (at work or on my cell-phone) you’re missing out. I went ahead and gave the voicemail a throwback to old-school Gravey. It definitely has a more “me” vibe than the plain, boring “PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR (awkward pause) jereMIAH GRaves (odd lip smacking noise) BEEP…”

 

Thursday – 1:16pm

 

Ryan and Carol just came back from a Working Group meeting and they came baring BBQ!!! This makes me one happy camper. Chicken, ribs, catfish, mac-n-cheese, candied yams and cornbread!! Plus there’s a big ole slice of red velvet cake!! Damn I love this job!!

 

Thursday – 1:42pm

 

I just brushed my teeth and I feel like a brand new man. That was the most refreshing thing I could have possibly done. Damn that was good. On a side-note, I’m fairly sure I caught a lonely nerd in the midst of some…um…“do it yourself biology experiments” if you get my drift. If you don’t get my drift…well you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog at all. Anyway, so I saunter in to brush my teeth and suddenly this dude sorta squeaks and there’s a bunch of awkward shuffling in the stall. I shrug if off and start scrubbing my chompers and the whole time this dude is dead silent. Like more quiet than Anne Frank during a house inspection (can I pull off a joke like that?!)…anyway and then as soon as I leave, before the door has even closed I hear deep sigh and another loud squeak. I didn’t stick around to find out anything further and I think we’re all better people because of my lack of curiosity.

 

On a related note…EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

 

Thursday – 2:12pm

 

Well I’m on the desk now. I hadn’t really intended to be on the desk today. I was sort of hoping to stay in the background downstairs and plow through a bunch of stuff, however, the lovely Ms. Bethanie Edwards is out sick again today so I’ve taken her shift in hopes that she’ll get all rested up and get her health-on. I also plan to blackmail her so that she is forced to cover all of my shifts next week. Granted, she’s already covering one of the two desk shifts I have scheduled for next week. So it might not take much to get her to hijack the other shift as well.

 

Thursday – 2:49pm

 

I’m quite surprised at how strong I’m still going. I’m still without caffeine which is insane. I guess prepping myself in advance by cutting down my dependency was a wise move. On a side-note, I’ve ingested more water today than every other Thursday this year, combined! As a result, I’ve also peed like 16 times. You’re welcome.

 

Thursday – 3:19pm

 

Sitting up here at the desk is slowly putting me to sleep. It’s sorta quiet, but there’s just enough white noise coming from the computers and the vents on jesus_loves_methe roof. Eyelids growing heavy!

 

Thursday – 3:26pm

 

Oh. My. God. Stephanie Hartman, my veggie-buddy, and future recipient of a spot award for her actions today, just informed me that Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of the new GQ and my favorite lovely is wearing nothing but a tie and a smile. Oh happy day!!

 

Thursday – 3:42pm

 

So I’ve finished up my review, I’ve got next week’s binding done for Science, I’ve got next week’s binding done for Barker, I’ve started on the subsequent weeks for both libraries and I cleared up a bunch of old claim-related emails. Not too shabby for a dude bordering on quasi-consciousness. Although let’s be honest…productivity can only really go down, right?! I guess I’ll have to find some more stuff to keep busy. Thank Jeebus for the December Claims Report!! That’ll help pass the time tomorrow and/or tonight…

 

Thursday – 3:54pm

 

 Holy crapsticks!! I just went to check my blog stats for the day and I nearly peed my pants—granted that’s partially because I think I’m losing control of most bodily functions—or at least that’s going to be my rationale if/when that patron complains about me crying incessantly while checking out his books. :-/

 

statsAnyway, up until today, the highest traffic my blog had ever gotten in one day was 86 hits. I’d nearly tied it the other day and then managed to tie it again yesterday. Then today hit. Apparently all, ya’ll out there in my rapidly growing legion of Faithful Readers decided to descend upon my blog like a plague of locusts because as of right now the current hits for today is 231!!

 

I can’t help but be a little taken aback. That’s a whole bunch of you folks taking the time to read my stuff. Color me honored!!

 

Thursday – 4:06pm

 

Okay ya’ll, I’m a free-man. Time to head home, try to catch some shut-eye for a few hours. Take a shower so I don’t continue to smell like library and feet. Cook something up for supper and I’ll catch ya’ll up when I wander back in at midnight for tonight’s all-nighter.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Responses

  1. astounding stuff here, keep it up!

    cheers

  2. This is probably the funniest shit I’ve read in years!!

    And nice choice on the Aniston pic!! Hawt!!


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