Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 18, 2007

Top Five People I Hate Right Now

I’ve done this post a time or two in the past, but like most top [insert number of choice] lists, my opinions change. Granted, the dude at the top never tends to change, but whatevs. Here they are without further ado…the top five people, I hate right now.
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NUMBER 5 – LAPTOP THIEF

This one is a shout-out to the dude who looks oddly like former World Heavyweight Champion, Evander Holyfield. This summer we busted this dude for swiping a cell-phone in the library and he more-or-less gave up the fact that he was our oft-elusive laptop thief as well. So after we sent him to the slammer following the cell-phone incident, I assumed I’d seen the last of him. Then he slipped into the library near the end of the summer and made off with someone’s laptop yet again. The coppers were called and in traditional MIT security fashion, took about fifteen minutes to show up and believe it or not…he was long gone. I saw him about a week and a half ago. He was contemplating coming into the library and our eyes met. He then bolted. He remembers who put him behind bars…well okay, that part was the cops; but he remembers who sat in the cop car and identified him during a slow drive-by and then was parked far enough away so that he couldn’t come and kill me if he broke away from the cops…yeah, that one was this guy! Welcome to the list Laptop Thief…let’s see you try and take another laptop on my watch!

NUMBER 4 – AMAZON.COM

I know, I know…how can a dude put a website on his top five list of people he hates. Well it’s simple, right now I really hate Amazon and it’s my list. Do I really anything more than that?! Amazon promised me free super saver shipping and said that it would get my presents to Iowa with plenty of time to spare until Christmas. I was super pumped. Having just dropped $100 or so on gifts, it was nice not to have to kick in another $30 or more on shipping. Then I went to check the status of my order and Amazon said my gifts would arrive January 2nd. Needless to say, that’s not Christmas and it sure as hell ain’t “plenty of time to spare until Christmas.” So I had to switch my order and get the shipping, which meant that I had to cancel some of the items in my order because they wouldn’t be ready to ship in time, so now I’m not done with my Christmas shopping and I didn’t get my free shipping. Welcome to the list Amazon.

NUMBER 3 – ELI MANNING

This is Eli’s first appearance on my top five for hatred and if I continue to watch Giants games it definitely won’t be his last appearance. Every time I watch Eli Manning “play” football it makes me think of a new born deer. The deer pops out and immediately is in over his head. His mama did her part by carrying him and nurturing him and getting him traded to the Giants when San Diego wasn’t deemed good enough…but now it’s up to the uncoordinated deer to stand up and walk, ideally run. Unfortunately, Eli—despite being a starting quarterback in the NFL for three and a half seasons—still appears to be in the stage where he trips over his own feet and can’t get his ass off the ground; it’s high-time to take him out back and put him down.

NUMBER 2 – BUD SELIG

Now, Bud’s made the list before…mostly because he reeks of douche-baggery. His entire tenure as commissioner of Major League Baseball has been awful; whether it was the players juicing under his nose…and for the most part…in front of his nose, the labor strike in 1994, the refusal to honor Barry Bond’s breaking of Hank Aaron’s home run record, his attempts to contract the Twins and Expos or his ridiculous league realignment plan. Now the entire “steroid scandal” has blown up with the publishing of the Mitchell Report and the one thing that fans and critics need most is for Selig to come out and apologize for allowing this to happen on his watch, but knowing old Bud that’ll never happen. He’ll shift the gears and try to find a way to make it the players fault or the fan’s fault or maybe it’ll be Barry Bonds who was behind it all. Whatever he cooks up, it’ll stink and it’ll keep him in the top five for the foreseeable future.

NUMBER 1 – CARROT TOP

I honestly can’t think of anything that could knock this douche-bag out of the top spot in this category. Everything about him screams “HATE ME!!!” All of it, from his stupid ass red-hair (note: I don’t hate all red-heads…I’m very selective with my hate), his lame-ass commercials, the fact that he is a “comedian” who is absolutely not funny in the slightest or the fact that he has already made money that me and all of my friends and family will combined throughout the rest of our lives. For that you retain the top spot once again…congrats you sack-o-horsecrap.

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