Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 28, 2007

Guess Who Got Bored At Work?!

dumbhat1. Where were you when it turned 2007?
Ah when it turned 2007 I was in Blue Bricks in Mankato, Minnesota, sipping on sweet, sweet (read: $4/bottle) champagne and wearing a ridiculous hat that some poor child in a third-world country made for 3 cents a week….God Bless Us Everyone!

2. How did you get the idea for your MySpace name?
What’s sad is I actually spent about thirty minutes laboring over the decision. I tried to come up with things that were funny…things that were deep and insightful…things that would keep my identity a secret…things that were very poignant and timely…and in the end I decided to go with my name. First and last squished together as one, harmonious unit. That took time too. I thought about doing last name first…like an author being cited in a book or maybe just first initial and then my last name, like a corporate email…in the end…it’s just my name.

3. What song are you listening to right now?
No music for me…I’m “working” at the circulation desk so I’m hearing a veritable orchestra of sounds…there is the elevator opening and closing, some chick on her cell phone in the lobby screaming at her friend…she doesn’t know she’s screaming…but she is, some hefty gentlemen who keeps hacking and coughing like his spleen has somehow lodged itself in his esophagus and he is running on borrowed time, two dudes are giggling incessantly while chatting back and forth via instant messenger while sitting side-by-side…from my perch I can read that they’re talking about the following: Grey’s Anatomy, “bitches,” Chemistry lab and apparently one of the smelly librarians…hmmmmmmm….I hope they don’t mean me.

5. Do you click on pop-ups?
Pop-ups? Honestly…who still gets pop-ups? Doesn’t every lame toolbar that you accidentally download have some sort of pop-up blocker built-in?! So, no I don’t click on pop-ups…I do, however, always get sucked in by those banner ads that ask you to rope a bull or slap Donald Trump or kick a paper football…competition baby…it drives the world. Plus at this point I’ve already won like 16 Playstation 3s!!!!

6. Do you own an iPod?
I do I do…the lovely Miss Grace Mlady bought me an iPod shuffle back in November and I was the envy of many a person…apparently b/c Grace conned the dude at Best Buy into selling it to her before they were officially released…well played Grace Mlady, well played indeed.

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH COBRAS!!!!!

Then I realized it was just a dream…

8. What does your mom do for a living?
She is awesome…professionally awesome.

…and for spending cash she works at Wal-Mart. She’s a manager of something or other…

9. What will you do tonight?
Go to the Cambridgeside Mall after work and use my remaining $50 gift certificate to purchase The Departed and Stranger than Fiction…and I’ll probably eat at Taco Bell…b/c Taco Bell is hard to find. Then think I’ll go home watch a little Veronica Mars…er…Mad Maxx: Beyond Thunder Dome and then some Boston Legal…read some of my latest novelic conquest (is novelic a word?) and call it a night…

10. Whats your favorite memory from last weekend?
It was a pretty slow, laid back kinda weekend so here’s My Top Five…
5 – Gorgeous Weather
4 – The Oscars
3 – Fantasy Baseball Drafts
2 – Watching Stranger than Fiction in a sea of nerds (not the delicious candy either)
1 – Being Lazy and Catching Up with People via Phone Conference

11. What are the last two digits of your phone number?
67…that’s the dumbest question ever…it’s out…new 11 here I come….

THE NEW and IMPROVED (ignore the oxymoronic quality of that statement) 11. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard in a bar??
“…and that’s when I decided I wanted to stick my prick in the horse’s ear!”
Let me put this in context – not that it will help any – there was a table full of frat guys – honestly we know I could end the story now and it’d make sense – anyway, I’d been at the bar asking questions to bartenders and various patrons for an article I was writing on the use of energy drinks in cocktails. They overheard that I was with a large media conglomerate (ie: the MSU Reporter) and decided it’d be funny to say random drunken crap to see if they could get me to print some story about how a group of frat guys were ear-raping horses and then the joke would be on me…I didn’t fall for it. In fact, I promptly blocked it out of my mind until some dude – roughly frat-pack aged – mentioned something about horses to his blatant-stoner friend. Bang it popped back into my head and I decided to share it with the rest of the world…

…you’re welcome.

12. What was the last thing you ate?
It was either Cheetos or Peanut-Butter M&Ms…part of a healthy, well-balanced diet

13. What was last thing you drank?
Water…I down that stuff like a freakin’ camel…

14. What was the last movie you watched?
I watched “Fever Pitch” yesterday…pretty much got me all jacked up for this baseball season to get started…

15. What do you dislike at the moment?
The fact that a third person in the last six days may have just had their laptop stolen in Barker…all of which were stolen while I was on the front desk…can we say controversy?!

…and Carrot Top.

16. What food do you crave right now?
There is a solid list of foods I’m jonesin’ for right now.

Taco Bell
Taco John’s
Dairy Dandy
Mazatlan
Jimmy John’s
Erbert & Gerbert’s
Chinese (MMMMM…Crab Rangoons)
Pita Hut (Grace knows what I’m talking about…)
Dunkin’ Donuts
A Big Greasy Cheeseburger with Fries and Onion Rings!!
Bertucci’s (Greatest Cesar Salad EVER!)

17. What did you dream last night?
The only one I remember was right near the end, but before the cobras. Essentially I was back in high school, except it was in our middle school. Diasuke Matsuzaka was there and he was leading the charge for the Japanese Gym-Off. It was a combination of all those games you play in PE in high school: dodgeball, Hollander softball, wiffle-ball, flag football, floor hockey, volley ball, tennis, badminton, basketball and ultimate Frisbee. I was forced to sit in the locker-room and watch as Team USA…which for whatever reason was comprised solely of the A-Crowd from my high school…got slaughtered by D-Mat and the Japanese contingent. Now while I was watching all of this…on ESPN 2 of course…a sad, melodic song played in the background…and then as Team USA/Team Hartley-Melvin-Sanborn Hawks was on the brink of elimination…a Rocky-esque montage started playing and I got all psyched up…freaked out in the locker-room and stormed my way onto the playing court and dominated as only I can do….in lame PE sports….and then the cobras showed up…

18. What was the last TV show you watched?
Heroes…normally this is where I’d get to say the most underrated show on TV Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip…but I’m pretty sure NBC pulled the plug and replaced it with The Black Donnellys. That’s twice networks have pulled Aaron Sorkin shows that I’m in love with…first it was Sports Night back on ABC in high school and now Studio 60…you’re making it tough on me Sorkin…real tough.

19. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My Twins bracelet is pretty bad-ass…

20. Name someone on your Top Friends who is just like you:
Well no one is just like me, b/c if they were I’d clearly be the one labeled a poser and that’s now how I roll. But I suppose Johnny’s kinda close…except that we’re completely different.

22. Who last text messaged you?
Bridget Moynahan… “yep, it’s yours”

23. Are you on any medication?
Vitamins…it’s all about staying healthy in a germy city with germy subways and germy books.

Oh and does Cocaine count?! Is that medicinal?!

24. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Well I prefer to be away from the wall…but so does Grace and she tends to push me off the bed if I’m away from the wall…so I sleep by the wall so all she can do is crush me against the wall…come to think of it…twin beds isn’t a bad idea.

25. What color shirt are you wearing?
white and navy blue…it’s a ¾ length baseball shirt…it’s bad-ass

26. what is your favorite frozen treat?
Margaritas

27. How many piercings do you have?
1…let the guessing games begin…

….that’s a lie.

That’s also disgusting, how dare you think that about me.
Wash your brain out with soap.

28. What’s your favorite store?
Family Dollar!!!! YES!!!

29. Are you thirsty right now?
Kinda…thanks for asking inanimate object, that was very kind of you.

30. Who’s someone you haven’t seen in a while and miss?
Yeah…the Boys and my Family and all the rest of my homies…(that’s street cred right thurrrrr)

31. What did you do last night?
Fantasy Draft—Watched Fever Pitch—Watched Heroes

32. Do you care what people think about you?
Everyone does to an extent. People who say they don’t actually do, b/c they really want to people to think that they don’t care what people think about them…which actually takes more effort than caring what people do think about you. Quite the little conundrum right there, huh?!

I guess all I care about is that people don’t think I’m a complete douche-bag and they don’t think I smoke…for some reason it really bothers me when people think I smoke…or that I’m spoiled…you know yeah…I really care what people think about me. Dammit…I’m just a material dude…living in a material world.

33. Have you ever done something to make trouble?
define “make trouble” that seems awfully ambiguous

ultimatewarrior00134. What’s your secret shame?
Hmmmmm, probably that I used to be a big wrestling fan.

That or the thing with the cult…

…or chick-flicks…but that one’s not really a secret.

35. What are your font colors on MSN?
I think red. I always liked red b/c it stood out…

36. Where do you live?
Boston, MA

37. Are you aggressive?
Yes…

38. Mobile Phone Network?
T-Mobile

39. Do you like the person who posted this last?
Lindsey pretty much rocks my Red Sox off…I wish she was Beantown-Bound, but she’s got herself a pretty solid little set-up and I’m very happy for her.

40. Do you know their birthday?
September 14th…I remember her 21st birthday we had Mass Comm Law and I couldn’t believe she showed up, but she’s generally pretty low-key in the crazy drunkenness department (note: generally) and I think she was gonna hit up Applebees or something after class that day…

…MEMORY LIKE AN EMU, RIGHT HERE!!!…

41. What is the thing that you would most like to change about them?
I’d put her in Boston…

as owner of the Red Sox…
and then she’d hire me to take over as GM and Manager…and occasionally some left-field…when Manny is tired or just a little sluggish.

42. What is his/her best quality?
Well is pretty much all-around f’n awesome…and she has a name that is built for bylines.

43. What do you smell like right now?
Man-stink…

44. What are you favorite colors?
Red…Green…Brown…Yellow…

Any color that you color that is in someway involved in a hot dog with all the fixins…

…and blue.

45. Do you like mustard?
Oh yes…but not on it’s own or anything….well maybe if a couple people were going to do some shots of French’s with me….or Jag-bombs, but instead of Red Bull…you use French’s …I’m gonna go vomit now.

46. What do you tell yourself when you get hard?
Hmmmmm….now am I to assume this is a “boner-related” question or was this meant to read what do you tell yourself when things get hard…as in life situations. Because one applies to everyone…the other only applies to about 48% of the World’s Population…I guess being that there is no proper answer I can give to retain any dignity I still have remaining I’m going to ask you to do the following…

Take the year you were born. Get rid of the 19 in the front. Now divide by three. Multiply that times the number of cars you’ve owned. Subtract three times the number of tickets you’ve acquired in your days as a driver and add your current body weight. Subtract what you would like to weight. If that is a number between 1 and 60…pick whichever number it is and use the answer from that question above or below…if it’s not between 1 and 60….just pick your favorite number between 1 and 60. If you don’t have a favorite number between 1 and 60…well then you’re just really kinda hard to please aren’t you? What are you…one of those “my favorite number is 69” kinda guys who crushes beer cans over his head and tries to out-fart his friends or are you one of those quasi-intellectuals who is too smart to have a favorite number…whatever…don’t cop an attitude with me dude. Just take the last two digits of your cellphone…b/c apparently that’s important in this day and age and warrants a place on surveys and use that number…if that’s not between 1 and 60…flip ‘em around. If it’s still not between 1 and 60…just give up. Stop reading this. Turn off your computer. Go outside and just go for a nice long walk. Give up trying to find a logical answer for this question and walk…just walk….or go with the answer from question 7…

47. Would you ever sky-dive?
I’d love to, however, if I see one more documentary or Oprah special about some dude who went sky-diving and his chute didn’t open…I’m going to be a bit beleaguered and probably find a new aspiration that involves plummeting from high altitudes…like flying Jet Blue.

48. What is the greatest invention of all-time?
Probably rice krispy bars.

49. Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yeah…I bid for a book. Got it. I bid for a baseball shirt. Got it. I bid for a Christina Aguilera 2000 World Tour t-shirt. Never Got It. Haven’t been back since.

50. What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
That one…not mine!

51. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
I do…I’m a big hugger…it gets ever worse when I drink. I’ll hug everyone from a bartender to an Irish Mafioso to a nun…things get all kinds-of-huggy when I’m feelin’ the love.

52. What is the worst purchase you’ve ever made?
You did read the line about the Christina Aguilera 2000 World Tour T-Shirt…that never showed up, right?!

53. Do you own a digital camera?
I do…it’s in pretty rough shape since a person who will remain unnamed took it to the bar on her b-day and got it all beer’d up…

54. What celebrities have you been compared to?
Ashton Kutcher or to be more precise…Kelso…the character, not the celebrity…I don’t know how I really feel about that. Especially since he’s retarded. Also Chandler from friends…again…the character, not the celebrity…hmmmmmmmmmmm…..

55. Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Natalie Portman

56. Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but don’t?
nah…I’m so used to my phone not ringing because no one loves me…that I’ve just grown used to the consummate state of rejection and self-inflicted sorrow…

…too much?!

57. Are you a jealous person?
not unless someone has something I want…

58. Who/what do you pray to?
Chuck Norris

59. Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
no…I usually feel a distinct craving for more meat.

60. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
well since my parents seemed to chose child names on songs they were diggin’ in 1983 I assume I’d have been named…Billie Jean, (Come on) Eileen or (Jack and) Diane.

The End…


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