It’s officially over.
My torrid obsession with Britney Spears is finally over with for good.
As many of you know, I once had a thing for Ms. Spears that could best be defined as “psychotic and delusional.” But those days are officially over.
I was willing to look past the whole marriage to trailer trash thing and the whole two babies thing and the entire reality TV debacle, but now…now Britney you’ve gone too far.
Sure Britney managed to bounce back to her once super-hottie form following the divorce from K-Fed (I feel shamed even giving him a “celebrity” nickname). Her surprise appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman gave a slim ray of hope to all of those who have followed Britney’s saga the past three years. She appeared all hottied out and made it appear that she was back to her jubilant, bouncy, Southern-fried self.
Then came her evening on the town with Paris and Lindsey.
Honestly, Britney what the hell were you thinking? Stage one of any “Image Recovery Plan” is stay the hell away from Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. The only thing that could have made the night worse would have been a surprise appearance from Carrot Top to reveal he was actually the father of Britney’s future therapy cases.
The second I saw the tabloid photos of Britney rolling with the reigning queens of Skandom, I knew that was it. Now I’ve claimed for years (ie: since K-Fed) that I was done with Britney, but come on…every man was still pining for her. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this conversation in a bar, even post K-Fed.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Not much, you?”
“So you think Britney will pose for Playboy to get some cash?”
“God…I hope so!”
“Yeah, I’ll have to keep that one from my wife!”
“Hell, I’d have to divorce my wife.”
“Yeah…hahahahahahaha…how ‘bout them Pats?”
“Fuck the Yankees!”
If I had a nickel for every time I’d heard this conversation I’d be sitting behind home plate at Fenway this season.
So I know what you’re asking yourself. How could you still have a thing—albeit minuscule—for Britney during the entire K-Fed/babies fiasco, but now that she’s rolling with a couple of late-night bar rats she’s not good enough?
It’s this simple—I hate Paris Hilton. If I could wipe three people off the earth Ms. Hilton would come in a close second behind Carrot Top and the third spot would probably be reserved for whichever athlete has most recently hurt my fantasy team—or—Carrot Top a second time, just for the sport of it.
Back in the day Britney essentially was Paris Hilton, but not with all of the bullshit that accompanies it. Britney was hot, bubbly and offered miniscule talent and that was about it. Her real claim to fame was that she was a tease and men from age twelve to 112 fawned over her, all begging for the day when she’d “turn legal.” (You may recall this same excitement for the Olson Twins 18th birthday—I know every male remembers the ensuing disappointment.)
I liked Britney as a hot tease, but now…now she’s rolling with Paris and don’t get me wrong Paris is also a tease, the difference is…she’s not hot, not at all. I’m not normally one to pounce on someone for something like this but come on folks, how is she hot at all? She can’t open her eyes all the way and her beak makes Owen Wilson’s nose look straight as an arrow. She doesn’t even have any sort of feigned talent and I can’t avoid her no matter how hard I try. I turn on my computer—Paris. I open a magazine—Paris. I flip on the news—Paris.
Paris already ruined Lindsey Lohan. I thought Lindsey Lohan was pretty hot and a decent actress given the movies she was in. Heck, I loved Mean Girls…yeah, I went there. Then Ms. Lohan went on one of those, “I don’t want to be a teeny-bopper” rampages that ended with a crash course in the night life via Paris and look what happened to her. The same bullshit that happened to Tara Reid before her and anyone who remembers American Pie or Van Wilder can remember when Tara Reid wasn’t deemed a sluttamusmaximus.
Basically here’s how it is. Paris Hilton is ruining hotties left and right. I don’t know if maybe she’s some sort of super villain sent in to destroy the images of all women hotter than her or if she’s just a walking virus (think about that one, it works on two levels) to every late night buddy she brings into the fold…either way she’s already ruined two hotties and now she’s taken Britney to the dark-side as well.
Paris Hilton needs to be stopped before she ruins another perfectly-good, marginally-talented hottie.*
* Mischa Barton, Jessica Biel, Hilary Duff and Jessica Alba…this means you!!